But Doesn't Everyone Diet?

I now work in a society of rabid dieters and I have only myself to blame.

There were several warning signs that I ignored, first and foremost being the vending machine. Rather than stocking the standard variety of sodas, this one is strangely diet-centric. There is Diet Coke, Diet Caffeine Free Coke, Diet Pepsi, Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Ginger Ale and one lone little button for regular Coke. When I interviewed, I thought this was a charming oddity rather than a large neon DO NOT WORK HERE signal.

I was unwittingly entering the Body Image Issue Club, where membership entails ingesting little else besides diet soda. (With all the varieties, you can almost trick yourself into thinking you have eaten--Diet Dr. Pepper for the appetizer, Diet Coke for the main course….) Aside from everyone’s general pissiness (it is hard to be friendly on an empty stomach) the culture of the diet affects me in two main ways, both of which anger me.

1) If I want a diet soda at 4pm I can never actually get one, because there are too many freaks in the building who consume Diet Coke for breakfast.

2) There is a lot of "sharing." As in, someone brings in cake or doughnuts for an office birthday. Share time! Every girl turns to another and says, wide-eyed and excited, "I really shouldn’t. But do you want to share a piece?" I would like, just once, to eat an entire goddamn serving of food here.

Maybe I'll eat some cake for lunch today and traumatize the office.