There's Just Nothing Like A Threesome

So Ex-Boyfriend recently came back from a business trip. He called from said business trip to let me know that he had picked up a surprise for me. The only hint I got? "It's made from an extinct species." After several days of going through every extinct species I could think of (dinosaur? dodobird?) and neglecting to come up with anything that seemed gift-like, Ex-Boyfriend finally returned.

He presented a small item wrapped in tissue paper with much fanfare ("You’re going to love it! It’s just so fucking cool.") I unwrapped it to discover...He had bought me a small statue, about the size of the palm of my hand, depicting a very graphic threesome. He then handed me another package, which contained a tiny pedestal, useful for positioning and displaying the three naked people on.

I was about to laugh at/with him when he began telling me, regretfully, how there was another piece he had really wanted to get me but it was $700.00 and he thought that was a bit too much. I began to understand that this was not a joke gift. This was a real, honest-to-god present that he had given with the best intentions in the world. And it was of three naked people fucking.

Wait, you say. When does the extinct species come in? When Ex-Boyfriend handed me what he termed a "Certificate of authenticity" but was actually a color copied photograph of a woolly mammoth stapled to a page explaining that my sexers were, in fact, carved out of the tusks of a woolly mammoth. Uh-huh.

Ex-Boyfriend then asked me where I was going to keep it. He thought it was a perfect candidate for shelf-space in my living room. "Um," I hedged "My roommate might not like that." Ex-Boyfriend looked very indignant and said "I don’t see why not." I looked at him waiting for the smile, but there was none. He looked genuinely offended. "Oh" I said dismissively "You know her, she sucks. It's so cool but she wouldn't get it." He smiled then and said "It is cool, isn't it?"

It is sweet in a way. It is also disturbing.