Addiction
This weekend was, among other things, the weekend I realized the extent of my cigarette addiction.
At first I thought nicotine would not be needed--my holiday season joy would be enough to see me through the weekend! I was cheerful as I waited on line at La Guardia for hours. I shared my pretzels with the crying child on the plane. I laughed it off when my grandmother greeted me by saying “You’ve gained weight in your face.” (Although, really, what the fuck does that mean?) Nothing could keep the Christmas spirit out of my heart.
Nothing could keep the Christmas spirit out of my heart until 3pm on The Second Day Without Nicotine. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was bored. Restless even. I began eating, hoping to achieve that overly-full, leaden feeling. After a bag of pretzels, two pieces of pie and a coke, all I had was a vague feeling of nausea and the inexplicable urge to shake my foot. It became clear that I had to occupy myself before I cleaned out the refrigerator and/or vomited in the communal bathroom. I decided to venture outside and buy a book.
When I announced this plan to my ever-curious family (one cannot so much as get up to switch seats in the living room without someone inquiring as to where you’re going) it was pointed out that it was late Christmas evening and bookstores would most likely be closed. I stood there, with my jacket half-on, believing that I was accepting this fact with my characteristic patience and aplomb, yet a part of me noted that my eyes seemed to be filling with tears. I quickly looked downward.
“Yes well, uhhh…I’m going to get my gloves and go for a walk anyway.”
I ran upstairs, grabbed a cigarette from the secret stash of Parliament Lights I had stowed away in my suitcase, and raced out the front door. I made it two blocks before I hunkered down beside a parked car, still half-crying over my closed bookstore and desperately tried to light my cigarette with a pack of somewhat damp matches.
It was at this moment that it occurred to me that I had, possibly long ago, passed some point of no return and joined the ranks of the truly addicted.
The thought troubled me for a moment, but once I got the cigarette lit I felt much better.
13 comments:
Holidays is a very difficult time to quit smoking, drinking, over eating or anything.
Some success could be expected if you pick a time when during three months, you will have no stresses in your life. This is unlikely.
So you will have to live with stress with no cigarettes. People do. It helps to bitch about it.
I am so glad I stumbled across your jnl. Bitch, you can write!! (lol, I mean that in the best sense)
If you care to know. I've found the easiest way to quit, is not to. Replace one bad habit with another. I've taken up homicide and haven't smoked in weeks.
If you wanna try quite smoking, I suggest you replace it with low sugar sweets. I heard it's effective!
when i first quit smoking, i cried pretty much nonstop for about two weeks.....I did giant jigsaw puzzles at the kitchen table, eating and sobbing and thinking how to sneak out for a smoke. It gets better, i promise.
I stoped smoking to,
First time was easy. After surgery I got got medicin and had to stop. But then ran out of medicin and decided weather to go on them or cigaretts. Decided on the last mentioned one.
Then tried with sit -ups. Everytime I thought of going out for one I had to do 10-15 sit-ups, depending on how badly I wanted it. Didn't really work eighter.
i quit for 65 days after using the patch for 3 weeks.then,a "friend" offered me a smoke and i caved.i am smoking more than ever now..shit!
Here are a few motives for quitting:lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, need more? Smoking is the single worst thing anyone can do to their body.
Light up...nothing is worth being miserable. I gave up trying to quit years ago...I enjoy it too much. Don't cave to the anti smoking Nazis, either. If you quit, do it when you're ready and on your own timetable. A Very Happy New Year to you and your loved ones.
Note to Arleen,...worse than crack, heroin, speed, or crystal meth? Worse than unprotected sex?
You should try moving to a small villiage that has never heard of cigarettes. That's about the easiest way I can see to quit.
I moved away from my smoky lunged enablers and that helped me to cut down. I still smoke a few cloves a week. Real cigs are too stinky now.
CB, being in Texas and entirely unfamiliar with your face, I nevertheless feel compelled to tell you your grandmother was wrong. She's getting up in years, and perhaps she is remembering you as a child. You have most assuredly not gained weight in the face. Why, you've not gained as much as a pound! Anywhere!
I myself am waging the war of the addicted smoker, though unlike you, I joined the ranks of the hopelessly addicted more years ago than I wish to confess. I'm using patches and gum. The gum makes my cheeks sting, and the patches make my heart rythmn all funny, but I cling to the hope that someday all this will be over and I'll be smoke free.
Yeah, right.
In the interim, I find the clove cigarettes rather a good idea for cheating. They actually smell *good*, and they are at least a change in the habit. Surely change is good, right?
Also, homocide looks like an entirely viable alternative about now. I'm hoping that will pass. If you reach that stage, may I again suggest A. for assassination?
I'm sorry to be a part of these comments.
When I quit smoking, I took up knitting. I knitted a scarf 17 feet long just to keep my hands busy.
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