A Late New Year's Resolution
I am somewhat of a compulsive liar. My lies are rarely pre-meditated, nor do I ever lie about anything truly important. (There aren’t that many truly important things in this world though, so that leaves me a lot to play with).
My lies can be divided into three main categories.
1. The "It Just Sounded Good" lie.
2. A "normal" lie, that, when wielded properly, will get me out of a potentially embarrassing situation.
3. The lie to buttress my losing side in an argument. ("Of course I know the exact number of homeless people in America. Do you?")
True Life: The "It Just Sounded Good" Lie.
Ex-Boyfriend: I feel like our sex just keeps getting better.
CB: I bought handcuffs. (I had not bought handcuffs).
Ex-Boyfriend: Really, what kind?
CB: Gray and fuzzy.
Gray and fuzzy? Must I be so specific in these lies? I spent two hours the next day running around looking for gray fuzzy handcuffs lest I be found out.
True Life: The "Normal" Lie
I had been badly burned in a tanning booth incident (my first and only visit).
"You’re sunburnt," Ex-Boyfriend told me.
"Yes," I replied.
"Where’d you go?" he asked.
"A roof," I said. I hadn’t intended to lie, but once it was there, I had to stand behind it. I didn’t want Ex-Boyfriend to think I was the type of person who would lie about this sort of thing.
"Whose roof?" A reasonable question.
"A.’s roof." I gave myself bonus points for actually having been on her roof in the past week. Less of a lie.
I thought myself safe until Ex-Boyfriend approached to give me a hug and wound up trying to remove my shirt. He stopped mid-maneuver. "You don't have tan lines," he said, looking confused.
"Yes" I said, tossing my hair in my best imitation of nonchalance. "I was naked."
"You were naked on A.’s roof?" I nodded. He continued to stare. "Seriously?"
"Well…" I searched wildly for a likely explanation. "I was drunk." Ha!
"In the middle of the day?" Hmmm…I had forgotten that when sunburns are gotten through natural means, they occur in the daytime.
"Well, you know, I do drink a lot."
"Was A. drunk too?"
"Yes! I don’t drink by myself," I said, surprisingly indignant for someone who was making the whole thing up.
"Was A. naked too?" At this point I realized Ex-Boyfriend was building his own private fantasy of me in some exhibitionist, lesbian mid-day frolic with A. Questions about whether we applied sunscreen to each other were no doubt going to be next.
"I don’t want to talk about it anymore," I said haughtily, leaving him to imagine whatever he cared to.
True Life: The Buttressing Lie
Yesterday with S.
CB: I’ve gained weight.
S.: Where is this coming from? You never say that.
CB: I went to the doctor’s office this morning and they weighed me. I’ve gained weight.
S.: You already called me and told me that you weigh less even though you feel fatter.
CB: Yeah, you’re right.
S.: Idiot.
CB: I still think I’ve gained weight.
S.: Shut up.
Side Note: S. is the only one who ever catches me in these things. Is it because she is a girl? Because she knows me better? Because she is smarter than Ex-Boyfriend? All of the above?
In any case, I need to either stop lying, or get better at it.
13 comments:
Its not hard to be smarter than a guy!
Just flipping through blogs- this is great!
I can totally relate.
I sometimes lie just because it fell out of my mouth. I sometimes lie to avoid conflicts (especially with my mother - who thankfully does not read this blog), and sometimes I lie for the pleasure of others.
An example of the latter: While I was in college, I once went to "our" table at the University Center and was standing and talking to a (male) friend while wearing a tight mini-skirt with a slit of the side. He slid his hand up the side of my leg to the top of the slit (it was college guys! We were all quite touchy-feely with each other!) and whispered, "You're not wearing any underwear!" I just smiled. Of course I was wearing underwear. But he was so much enjoying the idea that I was not wearing underwear that I thought it would be cruel to dissuade him from that fantasy.
For whatever it's worth, I never believe anyone who says they don't lie. Tell me you lie, and I'll trust you more.
Perhaps S. "catches you" because she actually loves you enough to be both a) attentive to the details of your life; and b) not to let the details of her life lead her off into some fantasy which she actually cares about more than she cares about you. I think S. is a true friend. I've, in fact, grown rather fond of S.
I lie too much too. I must confess to having created the exact same categories of lies too. The sad thing is, I'm way too good at it. Makes it easier to keep doing it. I mostly lie to my husband about stupid stuff to keep him from getting mad at me. Like saying I did something he asked me to do (make a call, pick something up, etc.) when I haven't yet done it, which requires some excuse about why the result isn't what he expected ("they are going to call back", "they were out of them", "they didn't have an opening", etc.) Then I hurry and do the thing he asked me to do, and surprise him with the finished product ("car is scheduled for service next Friday", "look, they had the part after all! Stupid girl on the phone had NO clue!" etc.)
And I agree with Diane about S.
I never lie unless it will get me into trouble and I never lie unless I have to...
lol, maybe you should just stop hanging around your ex boyfriend. I have lied to avoid awkward silences before. I once told a guy I loved cats because the silence was incredibly awkward. In actuality, I can't stand cats. Never again!
I am a BIG fibber. And sometimes they just come out at the most awkward moments. I find myself going, WHY AM I TELLING THIS PERSON THIS? WHAT MADE ME LIE?
I was on the train the other day and the woman next to me assumed during our conversation that I had children. I just went with it. It made the conversation more interesting and I knew I'd never see her again. When I am caught doing something naughty I like to add in a small dash of lie to make it seem like I am innocent and YOU somehow are the bad one.
I have an S. in my life too. People who really love you know your lied aren't coming from a mean place. Hell, I think anyone with any amount of imagination lies.
I'm so happy I found your blog. You always make me laugh.
but getting caught in lies is sooo much more interesting!
Your writing is fabulous. I love the way you use words... and that is NO LIE. Me? I lie like a rug. It is one of the things I hate about myself. Usually it is to make people like me more. *cringe* Why I need so much acceptance and validation from people is my big mystery and my biggest downfall. I am getting better though.
Your blog rocks... high-five!
I'm one of those people who remembers everything you tell me, so I always catch people in lies. I'm usually too polite to call them out, though... unless I know them really well. Then it's on.
I'm just blog-hopping and I think now I feel the need to comment on all of your posts. Very funny, thanks!
It's so fascinating to read all these confessions!
I lie too, but I suspect I do it to be more interesting, or 'improve' the story. You know, you chuck in a "This guy I know..." or a bit of poetic licence.
I was at a venue with a friend and we hammed on some American accents while we were selecting our lunches (we were drama students in Melbourne). By the time we got to the checkout there was a bright, friendly young face there saying "So how long have you been in the country?"
short pause...
"About three weeks."
"You enjoying yourselves?"
"So, so much."
i lie a lot, too. about completely pointless things, that make me think afterwards, why the hell did i need to lie about something like that?
i have a friend like s. but i don't always admit i'm lying. like, i absolutely refuse to admit that i use fake tanner. i don't even know why, i like, convince myself that using fake tanner is embarrassing or something.
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