Office Party Strategy

Being not entirely hateful of Ex-Boyfriend, I agreed to attend an office event with him on Friday. I understood that this probably wasn’t the best post-break-up activity but I had no plans for Friday night, his office was offering free alcohol, and Ex-Boyfriend is generally a fabulous drunk.

Upon arrival I found Ex-Boyfriend looking rather handsome and rather drunk in the center of a small circle of people both less good-looking and less-inebriated.

"Hi!" he exclaimed. "You finally made it! Everyone this is CB, my girlfriend!" Girlfriend? I was taken aback, but it only took a moment to regain my sea-legs and shake hands with the co-workers like a good "girlfriend".

Through small talk, I discovered that most of Ex-Boyfriend's co-workers had been kept up to date with the boring minutia of my life. "I’ve heard so much about you! How’s quitting smoking?" "I’ve heard so much about you! Did you ever work things out with your crazy neighbor?"

Oh. Dear. Lord. What I had at first taken to be a straight-forward, "Pretend to have a trophy girlfriend to fit in with the men who have trophy wives" situation, was actually far more disturbing. Ex-Boyfriend had clearly told everyone about me while we were dating, then never told anyone we had broken up. He had continued to answer questions about my life, navigating our non-relationship into serious relationship waters.

Was there some social-climbing work-related reason for this? Or was he just crazy?

Either way, this was a night to drink. I managed to have a great time, running around the bar, screwdriver in hand, taking shots with the assistants (like gravitates towards like) and eating chicken from the buffet. Towards the end of the night I began to get a bit rowdy.

"I could totally chug that faster than you," I told one man getting ready to down a pint of beer.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.

The next thing I knew there was a pint of beer in front of me, a barely standing Ex-Boyfriend at my side, and the crowd was demanding that we have our own "Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend" drinking contest. We ducked our heads together and conferred.

"We have to bet on something," he said.

"Agreed. What do you want?"

"What do you want?"

There was a pause for thinking on both sides. Finally I said "Diamonds."

"CB, you know I’m broke right now." He was beginning to slur and I wondered if that could possibly be good for business.

"It’s not like your salary is below the poverty line. You’ll have money again soon, and I want diamonds." It’s hard to dissuade a girl from diamonds especially when she’s had something to drink.

"Fine. If I win I want anal sex."

Before I could reply, Ex-Boyfriend turned to the waiting crowd and announced "Hey everyone! We've got a lot riding on this contest!" He pause to make sure he had everyone’s attention. "Anal sex!"

No one, not a single person laughed. If it were a commercial or sitcom, the sound of crickets chirping would have played to emphasize how absolutely quiet the crowd had fallen.

We chugged our beers. He won. Beer dripping from his chin, he leaned in and said "CB, I think I’m really drunk. Was that bad?"

"Yes."

"Did anyone think it was funny?"

"No."

"I think I should go home," he said, suddenly fretful.

He did not get sex of any kind. Perhaps he will be fired on Monday.