Ex-Boyfriend did not disappoint. My Valentine’s Day present was a large, expressionless pink teddy bear—with claws.
It is, apparently, part of the "Gloomy Bear" line of toys ( www.kidrobot.com/search.php?keyword=gloomy+bear) and is special not only because it has claws, but because it has a back story.
The Back Story As Told to Me By Ex-Boyfriend: One day a little boy was walking through the woods and came across a baby bear. The bear was so adorable that the little boy adopted it and took it home. They lived together in peace and harmony until the bear grew claws (puberty?) and attacked the boy. Much blood and violence ensued.
Ex-Boyfriend concluded this tale by saying, "I really wanted to buy you the bear with blood on its mouth and claws but I couldn’t find it." Pause. "Did you notice it can move its limbs?" Pause. "Really, it’s all right, you can touch it." I was staring at the bear as if it might leap from Ex-Boyfriend's arms and forcibly remove my eyeballs.
There was also a card, which began "The bear reminded me of you. Cute and cuddly but also a little bit dangerous." I was thrilled with this line (“Oooo..I’m dangerous,” I squealed, then realized how ridiculous I sounded). Unfortunately, my pleasure was somewhat mitigated by the fact that the front of the homemade card was a grainy, black and white photo of the two of us screwing in a bathroom. (My ass looked good though.)
As always, equal parts endearing, frightening and inappropriate.
Wednesday
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26 comments:
I hope you are lying!
There are few times I stop here without laughing. Homemade Porn: the gift that'll haunt you forever. Happy Valentine's, indeed.
At least your valentines present was soft, not to mention fully moveable parts. God knows I love getting dark chocalate. Plus you have to imagine, if Ex-B himself can't cuddle with you ever again, at least he gave you something that could. Although those claws do seem a bit dodgy...
that is hilarious - can you post a pic of it?
Did the bear have bloody claws? Because that's just... disturbing.
Heather B, are you looking for a pic of the bear, a copy of the pic of her and the ex getting it on in the bathroom, or both?
Ex-boyfriend can't seem to buy a decent present to save his life. And if it's the thought that counts...well, I find that disturbing.
oh puke!!! He sounds like a skeez!!!!! Try to hang in w/ starbucks cutie!
damn, and all i got was a single rose with a white teddy bear and a card. that was all before we got into a horrible misunderstanding. at least youre dangerous!!!
LOL, wow.
I have been anonymously endulging in your blog for weeks. You're hilarious. I have a number of weird, stalkerish exes- your entries sound oddly familiar.
Christy
I got chocolate and roses...I feel sort of left out now...
That is the funniest/best Valentine's post I've read. I'm not sure what's funnier, the home-made porn card or the 'I really wanted to buy you the bear with blood on its mouth anc claws but I couln't find it'.
That's effort right there. Twisted but credit where it's due I suppose.
My ex once gave me a Scarface poster and a stuffed chicken that flapped its wings and bobbed its head while the "Chicken dance" music radiated from the belly for V-day. This boy also pretended to fall asleep at the table because he was nervous during our first (public) meal together. I totally catch your drift...in fact, it may even be the same dude.
Did you get him anything? Now that I am sure would be funny and interesting!
S
Throw your dollar bills and leave your thrills all here with me
And speak but don't pretend I won't defend you anymore you see
It aches in every bone, I'll die alone, but not for you
My eyes don't need to see that ugly thing, I know it's me you fear
If you want me hold me back
frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, "you'll be the death of me"
I don't need a friend, I need to mend so far away
So come sit by the fire and play a while, but you can't stay too long
It aches in every bone, I'll die alone, but not for pleasure
I see my heart explode, it's been eroded by the weather here
If you want me hold me back
Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, "You'll be the death of me"
Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, "You'll be the death of me"
Hold your eyes closed, take me in
Hold your eyes closed, take me in
Frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never fail
And so we go back to the remedy
Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, "You'll be the death of me"
Getting a gift from an ex boyfriend. you must be good.
Derek's Blog
wrong
just wrong
entertaining... : )
Ummm, am I the only one wondering who took the the picture?
Rosey, you are not the only one who had that thought.
CB,
Tell me Bob is not your Ex-B.
If he is, it's time to get a restraining order.
Restraining order...he's just expressing his love to her. Give the guy a break.
Grizzbabe - I like one of it all!
i got two seasons of "the l word" for valentines day, but when you're given a homemade card that includes those very special memories, well, there's just no topping that!
I came here by chance but enjoyed this little story about the bear and ex boyfriend! Thanks
regards
http://niquel757.blogspot.com
sadly, my own "re-boyfriend" got me that same pink bear (before the claws came along) for our one month anniversary thing. The younger version is actually kinda cute.
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