Single vs. Relationship

Why It Is Better To Be Single

1. I have no idea why, but when you have a boyfriend who is paying for you all the time, it actually seems like you have less money. The only explanation for this is the hidden costs of bikini waxes and sexy lingerie. (Although I do not get regular bikini waxes and Ex-Boyfriend thinks my Wonder Woman underwear is hot, so I’m not really sure where my money is going).

2. You have the time [to sit in front of the television with your laptop, watching Flavor of Love while pretending you are looking for a better job on the internet]. Insert your own personal weird habit in brackets.

3. You can look down on everyone you know that is in a relationship, because you would never put up with someone’s crap the way they do.

4. You may or may not be skinnier, but if no one’s seeing you naked are the extra pounds really there?

5. You can apply the foul-smelling tanning lotion, make your eyebrows red and puffy by waxing them and/or use the green clay mask on your "problem areas." You wind up being hotter in the long run because you can afford to be short term ugly.


Why It Is Better To Be In a Relationship

1. Walking through Central Park with a friend is sort of boring. Walking through Central Park with a boyfriend is weirdly entertaining and can make you feel like you’re in a Woody Allen movie. (Ditto for Sunday brunch).

2. You’re happier when you get some affection and it is not really permissible to cuddle with your roommate while watching television.

3. You can look down on everyone you know that is single, because you would never obsessively analyze a person’s random actions or freak out over a phone call the way they do.

4. You have someone who is obligated to have sex with you.

5. Boyfriends/girlfriends are incredibly less competitive than friends, since your success makes them look better. (“Isn’t my significant other so successful/beautiful/charming? Doesn’t that make you think I am more successful/beautiful/charming?”)


And to clear up any confusion, yes, I am back together with Ex-Boyfriend, hereafter referred to as “Re-Boyfriend,” hopefully avoiding further confusion.