Close the Deal
Yesterday Re-Boyfriend’s best friend had his annual review. By 9pm he was very, very drunk in celebration of a raise that is almost beyond my comprehension. The theme of the night was “Drinks are on me!” which he shouted to not only friendly faces, but strange, suspicious ones as well.
After buying a group of four frightened-looking girls a round of shots, the best friend led me outside (aka joined me while I had a cigarette) and began to explain, in drunken depth, Re-Boyfriend’s love for me.
“Like, he really loves you. He really loves you, I mean, like a lot.”
Mistaking my “You’re drunk” look, for my “I’m skeptical,” look, the best friend continued.
“I mean, so much, you have no idea. I mean, like, he seriously wants to marry you. He, like, he just wants to marry you. Seriously.”
Just then Re-Boyfriend came outside.
“I’m going to take off man,” the best friend said as he shook Re-Boyfriend’s hand.
“Where are you going?”
“To get laid.” Translation: To spend way too much money on strippers. Close enough I suppose.
Best friend leaned in to hug me, and whispered “Remember what I said.” I laughed in his ear.
He pulled away, looked me in the eye and said, seriously and slowly, “Close the deal,” patting me on the shoulder for emphasis.
Though I adore Re-Boyfriend’s best friend, I hate when men assume that all women want to get married to whomever they happen to be with at the moment. And I really hate it when marriage is treated like a prize for women to win.
The best friend ran out into the middle of the street, nearly causing several accidents but also getting a cab in under five seconds.
“What did that mean?” Re-Boyfriend asked me.
“I have no idea.”
Close the deal my ass, like Re-Boyfriend is a company I am trying to buy. Or a parent company I am trying to convince to purchase my tinier, needier company.
Ugh.
38 comments:
Never mind the bloke...You really really should land yourself a magazine article or weekly newspaper column!
You're too good not to be shared beyond blogdom.
tellurianna
I definitely agree with tellurianna. But if that did happen, people like me who live somewhere else would definitely miss your blog...
Good grief, imagine how your blog would read if you actually married the fucker!
I wanted to cry when my roommate bought the book Closing the Deal (yes, this book exists- it's written by these 2 married douchebags- AWFUL). Unfortunately it's not only men who buy into that bullshit, women do too. And then they feel worthless when they're not able to sucker a man into marriage. UGH, indeed.
Ew! That mentality totally sickens me.
you are tinier and needier, that's why you are with a cheating boyfriend
you need to close the deal so you don't end up alone
I don't get it either. Having been engaged two and a half times now, and the one to cancel each time, I find that I am happier when I am independent vs co-dependent with some punk who thinks it's funny to fart in bed.
That said, I still hope to find an incredible love to shack up and procreate with... but not for a long... long... time.
It's like I wrote the reunion committee when my 10 year came up (they some BS full of questions about my non-existant husband and children):
"Why don't you ask some interesting questions? Like: Where have you traveled; who's the most interesting person you've met; what's the biggest mistake you've made? Not everyone wants to get hitched and knocked up right out of high school. Get a life! Thanks, but I'll skip prom part duh-- take me off your mailing list."
I actually kept a copy of that letter.
Sheesh. Pecker heads.
I like the attitude you have. You're exactly right -- some people think that getting married is the ultimate accomplishment for a woman. My married friends ask me if I'm seeing anyone...I say not at the moment, and they give me the "pity look" and say "don't give up cause you'll find Mr. Right someday" I'm like fuck you - My happiness doesn't depend on a man. Keep the pity party to yourself. Close the deal??? Yeah, whatever.
If you have some time, check out my blog. http://countrygirlconfessions.blogspot.com
I was never Mr. Right. Who was?
So, when's the wedding? :D
I think you should really write a book! You're blog is hilarious and I've sent it to my friends to read too. I came accross another blogger from new york and he's turned his blog into a book deal. http://newyorkhack.blogspot.com/
I think you can totally do the same thing! Good luck! and Keep writing- I love it!
And with a drunken friend making that kind of salespitch, how could you ever say no? What goes through people's minds? Yeesh.
I'm with you on that one. Many of my high school friends are already married and/or have babies and seem confused with why I enjoy being single and free. Life's too short to date, nevermind marry, the wrong person.
The only thing I can say about this entry is that is record cab catching time. *mental Note* fling self into traffic if cab is needed.
maybe one more thing. drunken traditionalists creep me out.
There is too much arrogance out there. The married people always ask the single people who they're seeing as if you're somehow defective because you haven't "found" anyone yet. They don't tell you how trapped and miserable they feel in their relationship. The single people always point out how much happier they are because they're not in a loveless relationship mean while they're terrified of growing old alone.
There is no right or wrong, only attitude.
I agree with the comments on this post. You're a fantastic writer and could be doing it professionally. I love reading this blog.
Almost as bad as the attitude of those already married who look you in the eye and say with a concerned tone 'So when are you going to settle down?'. My ovaries start to dry up just dealing with these people.
You're so right!
Yesterday I wrote....
"I dunno, would YOU hang with somebody who takes pride in being known as the Company Bitch? There were people I used to work with whom I was VERY careful around because, well, they were dangerous to one's career, marriage, promotability, or team."
I realize upon re-reading it that it sounds a lot like I was dissing you. I assure you I am not. I humbly apologize for giving that impression. It was a thoughtless throwaway comment. Silly me for not knowing that "Company Bitch" is a job description, not a cutsey and laudable blog attitude.
Perhaps "Silent Man" thinks the world of you. Wants to work with you every chance he gets, perhaps even wants to get into your frilly pale blue panties. But I think he just doesn't trust you.
Was there at least discussion of a merger later that evening? A hostile takeover perhaps? Layoffs?
Reminds me of the time I was on about my fifth date with my now-boyfriend. He took me to a party thrown by some women who'd been in his Hamptons house a few years earlier.
As soon as he left my side, one of them came up to me. I'd never laid eyes on her before in my life.
"So, you're dating [now-boyfriend]," she said. "That's great."
She glanced around to make sure he wasn't listening, then leaned toward me with a conspiratorial look in her eyes and whispered "he's marriage material, you know."
Marriage material. MARRIAGE MATERIAL!
WTF? I mean, who thinks like that?
Ick.
Just...ick.
That post made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit.
He just wants you to land the terrific man that is his best friend.
My friends and I use a similar term to "close the deal" but it has little to do with marriage. "DC" or Deals Cut speak to the number of women you bedded in your life ... pretty interesting, I know...
In a country where the divorce rate is about 50%, marriage brings new meaning to hit or miss.
I think that it's great for people to want to get married or who have happy marriages, but that doesn't mean everyone aspires to marriage. Many people are perfectly happy as unattached singles, and others as attached singles who either live with or don't live with their significant others.
Please forgive me for going off topic for a moment. The following is not meant as an attack but an observation:
This is your blog, which many people obviously enjoy, myself included. Whether you address us or not is your business; we'll read your blog regardless.
However, several of your other commenters have on previous posts, as well as the current one, derided other commenters whom they feel are unintelligent, either because the latter misinterpreted something you wrote or because they needed clarification about something else. All of which is their prerogative, of course.
I would respectfully remind people that 1/ not everyone who reads this blog has English as their native language and 2/ this medium, the written language vs the spoken one, is constantly open to misinterpretation because one is unable to see/hear gestures, expressions, intonation, etc. Therefore, it is only natural that sometimes people will be confused. Whether an explanation or clarification is provided is up to CB, of course, but I don't think it's fair to assume people are simply stupid if they don't "get" something.
I'm with Vikkitikkitavi on this one! Grab something to rinse with and get that gross "marriage/close the deal" taste out of the mouth!
Have fun with Re-Boyfriend, hell, have fun with best friend too while your at it!
I just thought of something, what if during his 'non-drunken' moments, best friend is another Silent Man? Hm....
Ugh. If I have to hear one more middle aged woman in a loveless marriage ask ME when "are you going to get married," I'm simply going to look her square in the eye and reply:
"When are you going to lose weight?"
he he, that makes me smile!!
Just hope he doesn't make a public proposal. That would be *really* interesting, for us that is...
I hate "best friends" that think they're telling important information about your boyfriend (ie, their "buddy"), when really, they're just screwing up information they think they know about their buddy. I think you get married to someone because you both make a good match to each other, and putting your lives together just works. Simple.
Re-Boyfriend needs a better woman, I think.
Good call, CB. Best friend probably meant well, but talk like that is the equivalent of a wet rag on love... stick with your gut, it will keep you out of trobule. And marriage can be BIG trouble, trust me on that one.
What's with all the marriage bashing? I love my wife. We have a great marriage. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary.
Close the deal, LOL. That's hillarious. Is there really a point to being married? I can not see any good reasons for getting married.
1. don't mind what the drunk guy said (even though sometimes we say the right thing under the influence of alcohol)
2. did u abandon your faithful readers?
I LOVE reading your blog, and I find your independent personality inspiring!! Thank you....
Come back!
I've been checking your blog every day waiting for an update about silent man, re-b or chubby girls from the Midwest.
Please come back soon so the blogging world can laugh again.
ha ha ha ha like your written style. top shit.
Ick. Marriage is no prize. I've tried it twice.
Closing the deal meant getting my ex's to sign the Final Decrees of Divorce.
They all fart under the sheets!
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