The Company Bitch Guide to Taking Sexy Pictures
1. Put on the most uncomfortable, lacy, pointy underwear you can find.
2. Look at yourself in the mirror and notice a heretofore non-present roll of fat. Pause to examine it.
3. Call your best friend and ask if she thinks your metabolism is slowing down.
4. Try not to scream when she responds by telling you about the article she read saying that people who were really skinny in their teens are more likely to be fat in their twenties.
5. Hang up when she starts to laugh.
6. Realize it is hard to look sexy and unaware when you are taking a picture of yourself in the mirror holding the camera. Resolve to figure out the timer function.
7. Take several action shots of your legs flying past the camera.
8. Fall on your last scurry across the room and yell “Nothing” when the roommate asks what the hell you're doing in your bedroom.
9. Give up, put on your pajamas, order Chinese food and watch My Super Sweet Sixteen with the roommate.
10. Tell Re-Boyfriend you cannot send him any sexy pictures because you are
A) Fat
B) Bruised
C) A lady
D) Busy
E) All of the above
34 comments:
Why not just use a webcam and give Re-Boyfriend a live feed? That way you could also get notoriously famous and make millions!
Whoops, I forgot you weren't the geek here.
Why don't you post the action shots? it would be nice to see your moving legs... who knows, maybe can turn into a cult photo shoot.
Love the blog.
That sounds about right. May I never try to take sexy naked pictures of myself. Or any naked pictures, for that matter.
Hahahah! This was great. I've tried this before...does your digital have a setting for the timer? Mine allows me to increase the time so I dont' get the running leg action shots.
um...not that i take dirty pictures of myself... ;)
HILARIOUS! Especially since I am caving in to my boyfriend's requests tonight and will be attempting the sexy shot. I must be the best girlfriend in the world because I am PMS-ing and it doesn't take a vagina to figure out that this is quite possibly the worst time to attempt the impossible.
I have a feeling it will end the same way as yours did, only I'll be watching 8th & Ocean because everyone knows that watching models is the best way to feel better about yourself.
PS...the answer is D, I know from experience.
Bahahaahahahahahahaa.
Get your roommate to take the pictures and then get HER boyfriend to take pictures of you girls making out.
Re-boyfriend will cut his trip short and give you his world.
You should take a pic of you eating the chinese food. If he gets confused, just explain that you have a few very interesting fetishes.
When he comes home to try them out, tell him you lost interest in them.
Or you could just wait till he comes back, and take photos together......
Nah... too easy!
get a video cam, still shots are unforgiving
Don't be shy! If he doesn't like the photos, you don't have to like him. Be confident, smile, get in bed and wrap a sheet around you until you feel sexy, just be happy about it. The timer function is quite nice, yes. *wink* I do like the suggestion to get your roommate to take the pictures. It'd give you someone to make eyes at. :P
Don't do that shit by yourself! It's more fun with someone you trust doing it for you! Relax and let the Menace within OUT!
All this talk about naked pics yet no pics. I feel like we are being ripped off. Fucking free blog entertainment...
Hmmm, I should try that!
real beauty moves and can't be captured in a photo.
How about, instead, send him pictures of your bare feet, your hands, the slope of your ass, your neck where he likes to kiss it. Write him little stories about what you were thinking of when you took the picture, your longing for his touch...
Send him one every day until he comes home and hauls you into bed like the hot love machine that he is.
Every picture i take is sexy, so i dont even worry about it.
I laughed at this post. Commendable! (I never laugh...damn sticks in bad places!) You have an appealing group of followers. I want to steal them to comment on my blog. What are you paying them? I'll offer half what you're paying them. Maybe double.
Sexy pictures are overrated. Instead, send him a link to AnimalPlanet.com. That'll rile him up! (And no, I'm not getting paid to say that). Anyway, I'm off to go lay waste to "Drunken Master."
# 7 is the best
Yeah, the legs in action are hilarious.
CB
The awful thing about sexy pictures is that anyone might wind up looking at them. The nice thing is they will be there 30 years from now and you can... with equal parts of ohmygod what was I thinking and damn I sure did look good didn't I?
Fairscapes's Sexy Picture Primmer
1. Imbibe
2. Put on too tight bra
3. Lay on back in bed with camera pointed at self in fully extended right hand.
4. Wrap left arm under boobs to give them a "lift".
5. Tilt head back so face is barely recognizable.(he is not going to be looking at your face)
6. Say cheesy and click that little button.
7. No , not that button,the one on the camers silly.
8. Imbibe and try again.
9. Send via email with a sexy message.
10. Realize in am that you clicked on send to all.
Why didn't you just ask your roommate to take them for you? Seems like the obvious solution to me....
Fairscape...I can see it!!
CB....Pick C.
this was a very funny post. it's much harder than it looks, isn't it? not that i've ever tried....
porn movies have always embarrassed me more than excited me, don't they know how silly they look? sex is PRIVATE! even when it feels great, it usually looks a little ridiculous.
you could put the sexy outfit on a pillow, pose the pillow on the bed and take a pic of it. ha!
D
Fairscape... believe it or not the arm under the boobs works!
CB, check my blog. You just have to love your body, it doesn't have to be perfect... your boyfriend will love it also.
i say just send the flashing action shot of the legs telling him its the best u can do and thats all hes gonna get till he comes home
Hmmmm...
And this is why I say pictures don't really paint a thousand words, especially over this damn internet (see my take on internet dating pix). That being said, I think we'd all love to see these pictures of you. Heck, maybe more re-boyfriends would come crawling out of the woodwork to check out the new-improved YOU. Remember that adage our parents and friends used to say about getting better with age (like fine wine or some crap like that)? Your most recent eloquent post proves they are totally clueless. Kudos!
I took my own internet dating photos. They came out great -- says those who replied -- but still, it's excruciating putting on a big cheesy grin for no one. Send him a Vargas image from google and leave it at that til he gets home.
Freakin' hilarious....I totally relate. I went through the same kind of thing with my boyfriend that was in the Navy and on a tour at sea. I bet I spent two hours trying to find poses that made me look skinny.....why do we women put ourselves through such things... :)
Ditto. Totally relate. And heck, isn't My Super Sweet Sixteen scary?? Those kids are positively mean.
props
Keep trying!
The first 100 'sexy' pictures of me, made me look like a puffin in a porno. However, now I've mastered the shots.
Secret: Skip the underwar... then he wont notice the fat. ;)
Re-boyfriend's loss. I'm sure you look mah-velous.
Wow, i just tried to take sexy photos for my husband and this was almost identical to what I experienced!!! I could totally relate to this and laugh. :)
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