Corporate Lunch
One of the things I hate most about my job is the mingling requirement.
Every birthday a tray of doughnuts is plopped down by the fax machine and people gather around it at the appointed time. If you’re popular, there may be some orange juice. If not, it’s water from the water cooler.
Why we persist in this tradition completely escapes me since the conversation is always so awkward as to completely cancel out any joy experienced from the presence of free food. The “celebration” invariably turns into a game of chicken, with everyone determined not to be the first one to leave. We stand around eyeing each other, getting powdered sugar on our fingers and saying things like “Mmmmm…these doughnuts are good,” and “Krispy Kreme doughnuts are really sweet,” until finally someone mumbles something about work and darts away. Five minutes later everyone is back at their desks.
With fifteen minute birthday celebrations being as awkward as they are, I am a little nervous about the fact that I have to go to lunch with co-workers today. In general, I hate the idea of a boss taking his employees to lunch. I understand that it is intended to be a nice gesture, but lunch is my one period of free time during the work day. Then when it is stolen, I have to say “Thank you.”
To make matters worse Perky is coming, as well as outside clients. This means the entire event will turn into a small talk competition since no one wants to be labeled "The Quiet One" or accused of not being nice to customers.
The last time I went to a lunch like this, I spent most of the time staring at Perky as she waxed philosophical about her desire to hold a baby koala. Since I cannot talk about things like that for very long without wanting to hit myself, I consistently lose the small talk game.
I am actually dreading lunch with a passion that I feel is abnormal.
40 comments:
Is the Silent man going to lunch too? You can talk to him and he will HAVE to answer you.
Amen to that.
Worse than birthday gatherings or lunches though, are the Holiday Parties.
The only thing more painful than the client holiday party I had to go to last year was the day I had all four of my wisdom teeth yanked out of my mouth.
I laughed out loud reading this.. it's so true.. so true..
You make me think of Woody Allen, try harder..
All passion is abnormal, that's what makes it so much fun! But lunch with co-workers is tedious. Make it into a fun game. Think up a small set of questions and anticipate each person's answers as you ask them. Give yourself a point or two for each one you get right. Give Pesky points for each time she gets the conversation turned back around to her. See who wins at the end. Award a prize.
(I confess that I'm probably a Perky in some other CB's world)
Don't go down like that! You can win the small talk game. Perky is taking the approach of making it all about her. But the better, client-ass-kissing approach is to remember it's not about what *you* say, it's about pretending the client is the most fascinating person on the planet. If you can get him/her talking about something they like you can simply ask questions until the lunch ends. Most people love to talk about themselves and just need a bit of prompting. The end result? Your client will remember you as the greatest thing since sliced bread (because you reflect his/her brilliance) and they'll only vaguely remember some weird girl who wants to hold koalas.
So much to be said about office socials. I like the little birthday parties. But I believe I work in a smaller office. Company wide we have a monthly birthday cake for all birthdays in the month & the company sends one a birthday card. Departmentally we usually "do" lunch at that person's favorite eatery.
Your office sounds very unfriendly and insecure. I believe that comes from people taking their positions too seriously. I call it the "I am your superior and you must kiss my ass" attitude. It take great strength to ignore this and be yourself.
A suggestion would be to have a birthday committee & set up in the break room. That would ensure certain people a degree of anonymity while still recognizing another's birthday. Consistency & equality is the key to this. Your Human Resources Department should be in charge of events such as these.
The luncheons are experience to be gained. From most of your posts you indicate that you want to progress within this company. Knowledge is power and the less you speak the more intelligent you appear.
That being said, I agree with you. I jealously guard my lunch hour and my time after work. 8 or more hours a day with people that I don't sleep or live with is plenty for me. The only way we differ is I am where I want to be and have no intention of pursuing a higher rank. It is a dear freedom and it takes grace to give it up for future advancement.
the thing about open plates of food at the office is... a frighteningly high percentage of people *don't* wash their hands after using the lavatory... or picking their nose... just to heighten your office birthday food-sharing pleasure...
wear the pink glittery geisha shirt, you won't have to say a word, everyone won't be able to stop talking about it.
added bonus? you can flick glitter into Perky One's eyes....
I hear ya. We have birthday parties before our weekly meetings here, where the birthday person *has* to be surprised!
There's cake, assortments and the customary signed greeting card. Sometimes sparkling wine, which is good, but then using that as a lead in to two boring-as-hell hours of droll pontification is, in my mind, torture.
All I want my lunch break to consist of is food and a nap, so I sympathize CB, I really do.
How much can you actually say about wanting to hold a baby koala after "I want to hold a baby Koala."?
Chicks holding baby koalas are fucking hot.
at least the boss taking you to lunch doesn't mean that you're getting the pink slip. That would be worse...
I want to wring Perky's neck. She reminds me of my coworker, Elf.
I actually get along with my department and we go to happy hour together, lunch, dinner occasionally, and I even went to NYC with one of the girls last January. but then again there are only four of us, our boss rocks and no one is a Perky, so that might explain it.
Ah yes, nothing beats obligatory "fun".
I have two personal favorites. The workplace BabyShower-conducted far from home or workplace on your own time on the week-end.Every one chips in for the big present and you are also expected to bring something for the Wishing Well. Hen parties in general and showers in specific are just more that my poor weak heart (or bladder) can bear.
The other type of soiree that I find particularly endearing is the Christmas Luncheon. An all girl, mandatory gathering where we all dress up,complement each other on our holiday finery and run out of interesting conversation in less than 15 minutes. Said luncheon presised over by our supervisor wo we can't even spend the time talking about her. Which is what we all have most in common to talk about anyway.
we do the same thing for birthdays at my office except we celebrate with people we BARELY KNOW with a ben and jerrys cake. which, inevitably we take turns buying for people's bdays. theres nothing worse than shelling out 40 bucks on a cake for your office that people come to enjoy and awkwardly hang around when you DONT EVEN KNOW THEIR NAME. in fact, this just got me so worked up that i think im gonna blog about it. thanks. good luck with lunch.
Well. How did it go?
Get Whole Foods to cater the next birthday.
I do have one to contribute: The Leaving Party. You know, the one where someone leaves and you have to pretend you're sad they're going?
And there's usually a card; that's when the bon mots come in. "Short, but sweet" (if you've just joined) or "The next person will have some might big shoes to fill!" My personal favorite is "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out", but that's frowned upon for some reason.
thank god our "company" parties are at a bar where the liquor/beer is consistently flowing and some big wig picks up the tab. :)
be strong, CB. you'll survive.
At least you aren't Perky. I don't think anyone here would like you.
Hear Hear! That stuff is so uncomfortable!
Under what asinine circumstances does she expect to have the koala holding opportunity? Pushing to the head of the line at the children's petting zoo?
Baby koala? Classy. I always say "no thank you" when invited to these kind of shindigs... I hate shmoozing. I was helping out at a theater and this random director invited me out with a small group- and somehow, forgetting I was supposed to be like, "YES AND I'LL BRING MY HEADSHOT!", I made some sort of lame excuse about wanting to go home and catch the gym before it closed. And then I just ate cereal in bed with my boyfriend.
Nah. I don't find it abnormal. Remember the girls in 9 to 5, and what they did to Dabney Doleman? Just do that to Perky the next time you have to get near her around the water cooler. Spike that bitch's water or OJ with a little rat poison. Make sure no one else comes close. A little poison never hurt anyone, and you won't have to hear about some stupid koala bear (my guess is she has some stuffed one that she sleeps with every night). I hate Perkies which is why I went to work with my Dad in our family business. Now, it's just the two of us, and we take our separate turns at the water cooler. But, I'll be damned if I ever let that man take me out to lunch and let me talk about my strange pet fetishes. LOL. No, LMFAO. Adios, amiga.
Or, after all these wonderful suggestions, you might just try to get to know some of your cow-orkers.
I know, perverted.
i think it's rather the "corporate politics" that you hate, moreso than the actual lunch.
I can completely relate to all this. With the birthday doughnuts...where I work, we have monthly snacks for all the birthdays & anniversaries that fall within that month. We're encouraged to intermingle with folks from other departments that we don't normally work with. While I understand the idea in theory, the situation in reality results in lots of awkwardness and painfully superficial small talk.
One more thought on this...maybe try to sit next to Perky at lunch. If she seems to go over the top with her ass-kissing, you can "accidentally" bump her (be subtle, so no one notices) and cause a spill. Not only will she be the fool, but your willingness to help her would make you look good!
Mingling with coworkers is terrible. You should make up some kind of excuse about being really busy with The Important File. Then you could just grab your donught and head back to your cubicle.
Doesn't work so well for the lunch though. Good luck with that.
Those sorts of conversations are the reason for the title of my blog "smaller than the weather."
In addition to party and eating talk, the type of converstaion I can't stand is the smalltalk in the elevator on the way up to the office. Argh. "Nice weather, eh?" "Hot enough for you?"
Just try to order at a tactical lull in the conversation, and then in your most serious, conversational deadpan, ask the waiter if there is "any koala on the menu and how is it prepared?" You will either start a firestorm of conversation that you can just sit back and watch, or else create an enormous uncomfortable silence so everyone looks like the quiet doofus.
Just my $0.02
I don't know what was more entertaining, the original post or the resulting comments.
I'm dying to hear how it went too! (Yes, dying. I really need to get out more.)
I'm the exact same way. I've even went so far as to fake sickness to not have to go to the dreaded corporate lunch. And baby koala's - what the hell???
Wow - what a drag to have to deal with those emotions. I don't know if this helps, but I am always curious about people and seeing if I can glean something interesting out of them.
I have a friend like you and he'll go out of his way to avoid any company function. My thought is, "life is too short to hate, dislike and withdraw. Explore, inquire and celebrate" - even a free lunch with the boss!
I think you should ask him to have lunch at Denny's to discuss things....
Thanks for articulating exactly the way I feel every month when we end up gathering uncomfortably around the conference table to eat Very Expensive Cake. We sing uncomfortably off key (except for the enthusiast that demonstrates his unfortunate musical education and harmonizes, holding out the last "toooooo yoooouuuuuu" far longer than anyone else), we attempt to grind seven names "happy birthday to john-mike-jose-jason-john-lynn-john" into just two syllables, then everyone stands around trying to make witty comments. it becomes a ridiculous, "who's the most witty" contest, with everyone else standing around offering uncomfortable courtesy laughs between their "mmmmmm, this cake is so rich!" comments. Don't even get me started on the time someone ordered an "organic" cake for the "festivites." That started an entire small-talk conversation on the merits of rice flour.
God bless solitude
eat your coworkers lunches.. then post that shit up over on http://www.iateyourofficelunch.com ..
work sucks.
what about the quy who is always first in line for the in office lunch. Always there with a mouth full of food as he packs an additional luch to take home to his wife. being as loud as ever he chews and talks while food is flying all over him as his tounge slowly catches that one extra bite next to his cheak! What a Mess!
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