Five Corporate Phrases Explained
Going forward
Example: “Going forward, would you like to receive weekly updates?”
Generally replaces “From now on,” in an attempt to convey a “Don’t look to the past for answers, look to the future!” attitude rather than a sheepish "Oops, I meant to do that, I totally won't mess up next time" subtext.
Literally
Example: “This product will literally be flying off the shelves,” or “We need to literally gather our troops for this one.”
No relation to the first, (and some might say correct) meaning of the word, “literally” can be inserted into any sentence for emphasis.
Shoot
Example: “Why don’t you just shoot me an e-mail with that info?” or “I’m going to shoot over to the deli. Want anything?”
Used to convey the utmost speediness and efficiency. Prized workers do not merely send or walk, they SHOOT!
Micro-manager
Example: “My boss was nice enough but she was a micro-manager.”
Most commonly, but not exclusively, used to mean “anal-retentive bitch,” micro-manager is the only accepted criticism of a boss. Other known meanings are “pervy creep who licked my neck at the Christmas party,” and “unbearably, heart-breakingly dumb wench who once vomited on herself at a trade show.”
Recap
Example: “Let’s meet tomorrow to recap what was decided on,” or “Just to recap, Sally will be handling the information flow for this one.”
If animals in the wild are driven by hunger and the need to procreate, corporate managers are driven by the need to have meetings. Useless meetings please them because it allows for a meeting (YAY!) with none of the stress of actually preparing for it or thinking during it. Barring an actual recap meeting, recapping during a “normal” meeting can also be quite satisfying, allowing the speaker to hold the floor with no requirement of actually having something to contribute.
Sometimes I try to incorporate these phrases into my speech. It doesn't really work.
39 comments:
Maybe we should "touch base" on the "paradigm shift" in the "benchmark" numbers I sent "for your perusal".
I hear that speak even though I'm not in the corporate world. But I also have to deal with shit like:
"I was pooh-pooing with XXX over the chutzpah of this new olfaction theory in anosmiac animals..."
Cheers
We have an opportunity to over-reach our goal of improving the bottom line. This will require team players who can think out-side the box but stay on the same page with our corporate vision.
Your blog has a great synergy with your work-life.
Ohh I've been lurking for a while but I have to comment on this one!
My very very favorite!
Let's shelf that for now and revisit it at another time.
Read: please don't bother me with this bullshit again!
My favourite at the moment is - "Why don't you touch base with so and so and see where they are at", which basically means "I'm too lazy to do my job and follow up on people, so why don't you do it"
Can't fool them into thinking you actually believe what you're saying. I understand.
Hey, at least your planet's language is made up of real words. Try this: "Get the TACP on the TACSAT and get some JDAMs on the mooj CP ASAP or were all gonna be S.O.L! After you do that get oer to the 81s and get me some MREs."
One of my co-workers develops our "e-business strategy," including the creation of a "robust system" designed to "interface with terminal systems across a variety infrastructure platforms." To this day, I have no idea what the hell she's talking about, but I'm thankful she didn't latch onto that air quotes craze that was big about 10 years back.
On the other end of the spectrum, whenever I hear, "going forward," I think of my sister's best friend who always insists that you say forward instead of straight when giving him driving directions. "Always forward, never straight," he'll say because he says the word straight offends him as a homosexual.
Whatever gets you through the night, I suppose.
I also get a bug in my butt when someone uses the "parking lot" reference in a meeting. (Ex.: "That's an important issue, but it's taking us away from our main focus. Let's put that in the parking lot until our next meeting.") The item is written down on a whiteboard or giant pad on an easel with "PARKING LOT" written across the top in red ink. This is designed to remind the person that not only was the question mind numbingly dumb, we're going to put it on a giant piece of paper to illustrate how stupid you are for the next couple of meetings, ignoring it (aside from internally laughing at it) until we need a new employee to mock.
I will literally pimp-slap the next person who uses the word "literally" in a phrase which is meant to be taken metaphorically.
huh?
CB, you're quite the observer....I freakin' love this blog. You put a humorous spin on those little things that so many people can relate to!
http://countrygirlconfessions.blogspot.com
Okay, so literally going forward just to recap, I am going to shoot my micro-manager???
Don't be ashamed of being unable to 'properly' use spooky language that no one is impressed by.
I too literally had a paradigm shift when reading in a corporate communication that the firm's core competencies included the distribution of non-biased industry information on pools of execution liquidity.
Good lord. I'm a business school student and they try to ingrain the mumbo-jumbo speak into us from day one. Especially the HR classes.
I am SO glad it's summer vacation.
The liberal use of "Literally" in conversation irritates me almost as much as the overuse of "Paradigm Shift". Note to corporate world: you don't make yourself look smarter by using big words incorrectly. That literally makes me sick. Literally.
Oh, for the days when managers were mainly concerned with putting their "ducks in a row"!
It seems like a distant mystical fairyland.
G'day Mate,
Sometimes I'm kinda glad I work in the outback!
so to recap: you still have to wear the pink glitter-a-thon shirt, don't you.
So let's recap: Going forward, you're going to literally shoot over to your Micro-manager when you have issues?
Ooops. I should read the other comments before posting. Sorry, "just some guy".
My personal favorite: "Let's take this discussion offline".
Translation: your idea is ridiculous and you're stupid but I can't tell you that in front of all these people. Come see me later when I can close the door of my office and berate you in private.
"ASAP" all one word is one of my favourites. Excellent post.
I used the term brainstorm to an equipment vendor the other day. He literally flipped. "If someone say that word to me one more time, I'll shoot them!" Tell me, what other word could I have used?
tem - great comment about the "parking lot" thing. I learned that technique in a communication class in college...and then I tried it when leading a meeting in my first job out of college. It made me feel like I was running a 2nd grade class...and the others there didn't seem to be thrilled with it either. Never again.
But at the end of the day what's the upshot of all this? ;-)
You have proven yourself to be over qualified for the corner office.
How dare you reveal to us all the inner workings of the corporate mind?
I don't like the phrase "take a meeting." Where ya gonna take it? You're not taking a meeting anywhere. You're going to a meeting. The meeting is in control.
My core dependencies and my customer-focus-driven business map preclude me from understanding, no, digesting this post. I'll just write a white paper and get on with my proven skill-set...
To The Caretaker and Blueblanket, you'll love this website, literally: http://literally.barelyfitz.com
To Drunken Master and Hamish & Leesha, I too have someone who sits next to me and uses "touch base" about 35 times a day, except she says, "touch bases" which every time gives me the image of a guy in a baseball uniform uprooting 1st base and taking it over to 2nd base and (literally) touching them together.
To Chelene, I'm with you on the "off-line" comment. I especially love this when people use it in a face-to-face meeting. What "off" line? We aren't even "on" line? I'm right the f*** here, just tell me now!
Hilarious. Mostly because it's so true. Do they "grab the low-hanging fruit" at your job too? Because I hate low-hanging fruit.
OMIgosh on "low-hanging fruit."
Thank God for finance. I used to work in public relations and the "paradigm shift"-esqe terms were enough to suggest suicide.
i prefer to use "squirt" instead of "shoot". seems much more to the point, but cuter. ha!
I don't work in the finance or investment industries, my friends do. But the day I uttered the words "Print it!" as a confirmation of social plans, I shriveled up and died right there.
Read "The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit". I think it should be required reading for seniors who are graduating from college before they enter corporate America.
I was once asked, "where are you officing?"
I experienced a proactive escalation within my corporate-phrase conscious aptitude, because of this blog. I will hang on to it for a while.
G2
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