Choose Your Trains Wisely
I was a little flustered this morning, having spent the majority of last night fighting with Re-Boyfriend. Or, to be more precise, fighting at him. He was mostly quiet, saying the occasional line of “You know I love you.”
We were fighting because when the evil ex-girlfriend comes to town, he will be seeing her and they will be friends.
Because, I mean, why not? And why would you even care CB? Because the last time they saw each other they had sex? Please, they've totally talked on the phone since then and it's completely possible to get over someone via phone lines. And why wouldn't they stay in touch? They were in love. Oh, whoops, did I make it worse? Well, how about this? She totally doesn't want to get back together. Even though she doesn't have a boyfriend. Even though the last time she saw him she wanted to get back together. Even though she cried about it. But come on CB, don't be like that, she knows his family, how could they not hang out? And Re-Boyfriend's sister loves her. And Re-Boyfriend likes her sisters and do you really want to get in the way of a big group of sister love? Why, in the name of God, would you feel weird? OBVIOUSLY you have nothing to worry about.
While the girl that I want to be would not care, or at least be able to pretend she didn't, the girl that I actually am is fucking pissed off and it shows.
Given all this, I was less than alert this morning as I muttered obscenities under my breath. In my stupor of rage and sleep deprivation (not to mention the haze created by a thin veil of tears—I know, I’m losing it) I made it to the right subway stop, but somehow wound up waiting for the train going in the wrong direction.
I did not realize this until a train pulled into the station, I got on and a mechanical voice informed me “The next stop is 86th street. Stand clear of the closing doors please.”
I leapt out just as the doors were closing on my shoulders, giggling and feeling ridiculous. Safely back on the platform, I caught the eye of a bearded man resting on a bench. I smiled sheepishly, thinking he somehow knew what had just happened.
He smiled back and said, in a conspiratorial tone, “I know. I didn’t like the look of that train either.”
He nodded sagely before adding, “I can tell you are very wise.”
I nodded back as seriously as I could before leaving to wait for a train going in the right direction.
For some reason, that man made my morning.
Update: I would like to clarify that there was an actual, not metaphorical, man on the subway platform this morning. But thank you for believing in my potential for creativity.
54 comments:
I am completely on your side.
Ex-Girlfriend can kiss my ass- I've had enough of her type to last me a lifetime.
You must perfect the art of keeping a tight leash on Re-Boyfriend without seeming like you own a leash at all.
I like Ex-GF. I like pretty vegans.
Is it me??? Listen, CB, this is a recipe for disaster! Old partner being 'just good friends' nearly always leads to bonking and "Ooh, I was p*ssed, sorry!" excuses from the ex-couple. My suggestion (and I AM a guy, so take it from me) is to tell Re-Boyfriend that he cannot have one foot in the present and one in the past. With having you, there is just no way I can see why he would want to keep in contact with his Ex! . . . . Oh, and don't let him give you this 'We just are such good friends' crap!! It sucks!! Hey, maybe you should contact one of your Ex-partners and see how HE likes it!
No, no, no, no, no!!!! Re-Boyfriend should know better and needs to take his head out of his ass. Your instincts are dead-on. Nothing good can come of a friendship between Re-Boyfriend and Ex-Girlfriend. It's hurtful and disrespectful.
There's this thing called sixth sense. Although one of my boyfriend's ex girlfriends is ok, so far, I have never been wrong on the ones I have been insanely paranoid about (the so called great friends who just happen to be an ex). They have always declared their undying love for my boyfriend, verbally or physically.
That doesn't mean that re-boyfriend would ever do anything silly (what's happening with the key thing anyway?) but she is NOT to be trusted, at least until you meet her.
And bearded man made you realise that maybe you're not the insane one after all.
Hope she doesn't read your blog!
wait, didn't Re-bf cheat?? in that case if he wants to be with you he s hould change his habits. habits like sleeping with other woman and keeping x-gfs as "friends"
CB
Be Wise.
Leap off the train going in the wrong direction.
Then will you be able to see the train going in the right direction.
There is no need to feel ridiculous.
Giggling is optional but recommended.
Jolene..... (thank you Dolly Parton)
Embrace her. Go with them everywhere. Ask her to do stuff without him.
Then go home and throw up in the privacy of your home.
You need to take the power back here. The victim role doesn't suit you. You can only make her like you too much to sleep with your boyfriend.... guilt comes easily to vegans.
Fuck the tight leash -- being insane about this is only going to drive RBF crazy, or away, and closer to EXGF.
Be strong. It will be okay.
Tell him to shit or get off the pot.
When you break up with someone, that means it is broken. And there is no need to be friends with that person. See how much time is really spent and go with your instincts.
Oh CB, I feel and share your pain! My BF “keeps in touch” with his Exes too. I want to be all Bruce Willis about it and not care, but damn it if my Siena Miller doesn’t come raging to the surface! (This is of course the Siena before she got all wishy-washy and went back to that broken zipper nanny banging bastard) And why are you the keeper of his sister’s friends? Is a he friend of all his sister’s friends??? Hell no! HELL FUCK NO to the non ice cream eating evil vegan Ex! When has “Just Friends” really ever been Just Friends????
CB~
Please don't listen to anyone who tells you to tighten up the leash, or get a tight leash on, your boyfriend. that is ridiculously bad advice. a good relationship DOES NOT and CAN NOT work that way. A good relationship can only come from a mutual deep respect for one another and for yourselves.
If re-bf can not respect your feelings on this issue, and would rather jeopardize your feelings and the health of his relationship with you, simply in order to continue to see his ex-gf, then that is a sign that there is something more than just a casual frienship there.
If he decides he absolutely MUST see her when she moves there and absolutely CAN NOT live without her friendship, no matter how badly it may make you feel, then you need to stand up for yourself and tell him what old lady and feesh said.
And if he still chooses her, go with fairscape. i usually don't agree with her comments, but i do think this post's metaphor with getting on the wrong train was dead on. The question is whether you meant to do that or not. You always keep me guessing.
Consider the Douglas/Zita-Jones prenup rider:
With a history of infidelity, he has agreed to pay her six million dollars if he gets caught depositing his dna in extra-marital recepticals.
Not practical in your case, of course, but consider the spirit of it: she acknowledges that she's married to a chronic philanderer (is ReBo going to turn out this way?), she chooses to be with him and to bear his children, she has created a powerful disincentive for him to cheat that would also provide her with compensation if he should do so.
Smart woman.
You know, when people are in love they are supposed to be able to bring issues that really bother them to the "table". If it really bothers you (and you communicate it to him in a clear way) and he does not respect that, then you have a choice to make.
Maybe waiting to see what happens when she does show up might do you good.
There's nothing you can really do up until then. Does ebay allow putting up contracts on people's heads? How about Craigs List?
You have every right to be upset. He is irrationally expecting you to accept something unacceptable for most of the women in the world.
Shove the shirt up his ass and move on with your life. You deserve better.
Train in the wrong direction? You bet. Get off before you crash.
CB~
Thanks for the update. So it wasn't intentional? Damn, you're good. I am so hooked on your life.
You're young, pretty, and very funny. You don't have to put up with a guy who pulls this crap. From your prior posts, it seems like Re-boyfriend really cares about you. I would break up with him if he insists on being friends with her, and I bet he would come crawling back.
I have to say I agree that he has a has a choice to make here: see her and risk hurting you or not see her and risk hurting her. I think the choice should be pretty clear.
Going crazy and getting mad will bring him one step closer to Ex-G. Gotta stay strong until she goes back where she came from. It is TOUGH. Keep yourself busy when he is with her so you don't have to think about it.
Umm..so I suggest two options:
Knowing completely how you feel..I think you should try one or the other.
1. Understand him and understand that he loves you when he tells you (even if that's all he says when you yell at him--it does get lame after some time)...but understand that you trust him and know he won't do shit to you. and Let him see her once in a GREAT while....NOT daily.
or two..
2. Tell him that it bugs the shit out of you as you've told him. Let her come to town..and if after all you've said he still chooses to see her. SERIOUSLY tell him to SCREW off..you're better than that. Walk away with your head up high knowing you'll find a man who'll respect you for what you say.
Again...don't let this shit eat you up alive....as I know it can do that :(
A few things to consider:
a) You're way "cooler" being the girl who doesn't care. You don't want to be NIEVE, but you don't want to lose your self-confidence.
b) I assume that you have turned the tables on him? How would HE feel?
c) It totally sucks trying to find the right restaurant with a vegan, and it totally sucks twice-over when your girlfriend drags you to marathons to watch her cross the finish line.
d) You know he dates people for the right reasons when he still cares for them as friends, after they've figured out they're not right for each other.
By not making a big deal of the situation, and by reminding him "how would he feel"--you're proving how confident you are that YOU are right for HIM-- and communicating how you feel about HER. I think.
Ahhhh, the kindness of strangers.......
ask yourself...do you trust him? if so, trust him. all you can do is tell him how it makes you feel, something you've already done. if he cheats, it sucks, he doesn't really love you, you move on. if he doesn't cheat, he really does love you and you live happily ever after.
the key to successful relationships is trust. bottom line. if you can't trust him, don't be with him. you'll only make yourself and him miserable.
I almost hit "next" as I thought this would be another irritating rant on your tumultous love life. I know that story line has its fans...my 85 year old grandfather watched General Hospital everyday for 40 years. But then at the last minute, you saved the post in a BRILLIANT manner with a completely funny passage that included trains and drunks. Your writing was stupendous. I saw it like I was there. If it had had pickup trucks, rain and momma, it would have been perfect! You should totally write for this magazine. You are too talented for this stuff.
By the way, I used to be addicted to the Young and the Restless, so I say ransack RBF's @#$%, find some raunchy pics of the ex GF and post them here...would serve them both right.
Girl, he needs to make a CHOICE. I hate ultimatums, but he should absolutely not put you in the position to make one. Honestly, I wouldn't even make one. If it's really going to be such a sacrifice for him to let the old GF go, then I would question the depth of his commitment. But that's just me, I'd rather be alone and fabalus that deal with those ulcerating, awful pit-o-your-stomach doubts which never do anything positive for you.
Especially given his fairly recent penchant for being unfaithful (and their history), his insistence on spending time with the ex is insensitive at best (he should still be at Level 10 ass-kissing mode). It would be nice if he would be more interested in getting to know YOUR family instead of trying to maintain a connection to hers.
I bet you wouldn't handle this situation the same way if the shoe were on the other foot?
Sorry if I sound harsh, but in my experience people who are determined to hold onto emotional baggage are not done with it on some level.
Hopefully he'll wise up and come around!
CB, you deserve a hug. And a medal.
yeah well, after fighting with my fiance last night, your blog made MY morning.
and i don't mean that metaphorically.
ur a nut..:D
i'd be worried too..ur not a nut...
While the girl that I want to be would not care, or at least be able to pretend she didn't, the girl that I actually am is fucking pissed off and it shows.
Ok, I think that part sums it all up completely, you didn't even need our 33 comments, you already knew yourself to begin with and you'll do what you need to do.
Now, on to the bigger and better stuff, have you had interviews about starting your own column published somewhere???
You are absolutely right on target. But you have to ignore the advice to keep him on a leash. He either respects your feelings or not, and if not, you need to be with someone who does. You can't MAKE him respect your feelings.
It's really just about that simple.
Everyone is clearly in agreement on this one. Your Spidey senses are tingling, and with good reason. They *have* to stay friends because they like each other's sisters? Oh for fuck's sake.
Re-BF has laid perfect ground work to have his cake and eat it too. Even if he has only the best of intentions, he's in denial about where this could all lead (e.g. cheating, "accidental" cheating, emotional cheating, et al.), and lacks the wisdom to avoid creating the situation. Sadly, this sort of emotional awareness, known in some circles as "maturity," seems to be in short supply in the population at large.
That said, where's Elizabeth Berkley to push the vegan ho down some stairs when we need her?
Luckily, none of my boyfriend's ex girlfriends live in the area, or I would be in jail with bits of their flesh stinging my eyeballs and hanging out of my teeth. It's not that I am insecure. It's just that I don't see any point of my boyfriend "befriending" other beautiful, parentally-introduced women ... with runner's calves.
... I smell an ultimatum.
Yeah, there! I said it! I'm totally uncool and controlling. No shame.
he's going to have sex with her again
and you are going to be hurt again because you are a fool
Consciously or not, he's fantasising about two fabulous women fighting over him.
Hell, why isn't he shouting at her, 'I'm taken, babe!'?
How does he feel about you hanging with your exes? Them exes crying over getting back together with you. Your family being in ruptures about them?
And why is he still around for her? Is it a safe net? Is it a pity thing? How long since they have broken up? Is it an ego trip?
I would be overcautious, if I were you in your shoes. Apparently he has a softer, potentially giving to emotional or physical blackmailing side - hence the relationship with the ex, hence the relationship with the neighbour.
Last but not least, for me delivering cruelty to another human being (in this cas eyou, by not respecting boundaries with exes and thus bleeding herself into her ex's new relationship) or making money out of people's misery (what doctors mostly are doing) will not compensate for whatever other saving graes she may or may not have (being vegan or going to medical school)...
I get it -- the train is a metaphor for re-boyf. Smart.
Act Classy...never Crazy.
I know...easier said than done.
Boys suck. Trains, planes, automobiles...they all suck. How about going out for a walk alone, you never know what you'll run into.
I'm all for the ultimatum. Speaking as an ex, even though I don't want my ex-hubby back, I still make myself somewhat of a threat to his new girlfriend. Evil ex-girlfriend is likely to be just that - evil. Beware of past ex's.
Usually, I would be the first person to tell re-boyfriend to hit the road. However, this situation is a little tricky.
I'm going to come from a different point of view. I've been that girl before and I have lost one of my best friends for this same reason. The guy and I were great friends, dated a for a short time, realized it didn't work and became even better friends. His current girlfriend felt threatened by me and gave him an ultimatum. Part of me was ok that he chose her, because I knew how much he cared about her, but I still lost someone incredibly close to me.
This being said, though. I wasn't sleeping with him, we were never 'in love' and I didn't want to get back together with him.
Did he sleep with her when he was Ex-Boyfriend? or before you?
I think you should wait until she gets here and atleast see their chemistry with each other. If he is worth anything, he won't spend too much time with her alone and if all three of you are together he should be holding you close the entire time.
I am going to tell you this one last time....
Men dont see women as friends. They see women as potential fucks. and they may try to be friends, but their brains do something to ruin it every time. I dont give a shit what anyone else says "oh im friends with my ex" thats a big fat load.
You are only asking for drama by being friends with someone you have slept with and kept them around after the fact. some people are just fucking bleeding hearts thinking they can make all right. well its not, it never will be. Once you cross the friend line, you can never go back.
tell him that no matter how much he says that he loves you, as long as EX GIRLFRIEND is in the picture, you will never trust either of them and its his own damned fault.
:) honesty's a real bitch.
I'd have to say that if he's slipped away to fuck her before, you have every right to be suspicious and crazy about him wanting to get all chummy with her, regardless of how many family members like each other.
RB should NOT want to have contact with her. Does he say that he wants to?
You are completley within your rights to feel weird, pissed, confused...etc.
I have read every comment. . . .LOL. . . it's been said. . . me or her. . . it is that easy. . . you feel threatened. . . he has to respect that. . . if not. . . he ain't the only fish in the sea CB. . . dump him.
Ciao
Of course you want to feel okay with the whole thing, but you have every reason to feel jealous. But you have to just "trust" him, otherwise you're "overreacting"
You're right, of course. People who have slept together, ever, do not need to be friends. Every ex I've stayed/become again friends with I've also ended up in bed with sometime(s) after the break-up. You can tell him that you think there are enough fish in the friend sea that he doesn't need the one he already threw back. And that it hurts you. It's hard for guys to stand up to that.
ReBo's ass, meet the curb.
You deserve so much better than that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer!
Do what I would do SPY! great blogger material
Men only have one ladder. Its the fxxx ladder. You are either on it or not. You happen to be on the top of the ladder for now. "Old gf" is lower on the ladder, but don't kid yourself, she is on it! Unlike women, men do NOT have a "just friends" ladder. Since so many women have a "friends" ladder, they actually delude themselves into thinking that guys have one too!
There is more truth in Stags ladder post than most women can handle and that many men will admit. I prescribe reading and re-reading same until it sinks in. If you don't believe it, read it again.
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