Evil Ex-Girlfriend
The evil ex-girlfriend of Re-Boyfriend is moving to Manhattan in a few months.
Eight reasons that the evil ex-girlfriend is evil:
1. She is a vegan
2. She is a runner
3. She went to med school
4. She is pretty
5. Re-Boyfriend once lived with her
6. She met the parents
7. He met the parents
8. I have invented this entire persona for her in my head, where she is funny and witty and fantastic in bed, but also gentle and loving and able to sleep while cuddling.
All of this conspires to make me feel insanely competitive and insecure, which is terrible, because how does one compete with someone who is saving animals through dietary restrictions, running marathons to demonstrate discipline and entering a profession where she can save lives for Christ's sake.
It makes me feel like I should meet Re-Boyfriend's parents and go ahead with the whole moving-in idea just to have a fighting chance, instead of taking these things at my own, freakishly commitment-phobic pace.
I understand that this is not, technically, Re-Boyfriend’s fault, and so I have made a huge effort of will to blame him only in my head.
At least I have a few months to accept this. Or slowly drive myself crazy. Whichever.
36 comments:
a. She produces gas at both ends
b. Sweaty
c. She just went & not graduate
d. Pretty is as pretty does
e. Who's he with now?
f. They must have hated her
g. They must have hated him
h. She is probably frustrated & irate from not eating enough and bubbly bowels. Has bad hair and nails from lack of protein and wrinkles because there is not fat left in her body, which would make her hard and pokey in bed what with all those bones. Not everyone one in the healthcare industry is gentle and loving or nice for that matter. The only reason she would cuddle while sleeping would be due to the exhaustion of depleting her system through driving herself mercilessly to her own demise. When she's 26 she will look like she is 35!
Bask in your own pluses. Stop comparing yourself to someone you are not.
She's his ex for a reason...
There will be trouble only if he starts hanging out with her again.
Maybe she did a Gaylord Focker, maybe he did.
Plus, she probably runs to stay fit, a broken leg could get her to bloat up...
Who is he with NOW?
My question is, Why does he have this information about Ex-GF's move? Why did she tell him? Why is there any communication between them AT ALL?!!?!?!?!?!?
Vegan = non-ice cream eater.
Come on, who doesn't eat ice cream? She's so not worth worrying over.
Obviously there is something wrong with her CD, why else would she be his EX-GF?????
Does she have a wickedly funny blog too? If so, could you send me the link?
Bah. No worries. You've got the shirt.
you are seriously, seriously, my hero.
Hysterical! Thanks for the laughs!
But does she have a cute little shirt with sparkles on it? Hmmm....best check....
I know how you feel..
Thing to keep in mind..she's an ex for a reason. Don't let those things eat you alive..you'll screw up whatever you have of your relationship.
If re-boyfriend gives her attention..I'd whack him and let him know how you feel..otherwise...let it go...you can't let it eat you alive..
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch....and i don't mean you CB, i mean the icky yucky ex...it has been my experience that doctors are usually trying to sublimate something so whatever about stupid med school...being the CB is waaaay more impt and you have a much more devoted following than any patient might for her...and the vegan and running thing? obviously more attempts to sublimate some kind of frustration and punish herself for something...i mean really, can you trust anyone that doesn't eat meat??
Whatever.
No matter what she looks like (probably way less attractive than you are building her up to be), he was tired of putting up with her shit.
...or possibly, she grew tired of his narcolepsy. Either way.
You're rocking the cradle now, sister. Rock on and don't worry about Broadzilla attacking your borough.
If you worry too much about the people he spent time with in the past then you will miss all the precious moments you can make with him in the present. Don't waste that time because you will regret it.
Save the worlddd....make it a better place....definitely not your kinda people and for the right reason.
He'll probably realize he's luckier now..
Considering he's moved on to the better things in life.
CB~
this post remind me of a t-shirt my husband often wears that proclaims, "nobody likes a vegetarian"
but, this post also leaves some burning questions for me- who broke up with who in the relationship, and why? and how the hell does everyone know she is moving to manhattan?
but a vegan runner who went to med school? ugh... what could possibly be likeable about this bitch?
CB
Sorry to swim against the tide again. How the hell do you know so much about this Mother Teresa? Is this the one he compares you to in and out of bed? I bet she's a DD cup... anyway...DO NOT give up your apartment. In fact I think you should suggest nonmonogamizing the relationship. It's Spring. You''re young and cute. Start looking around now . Start dating again. Let him off his leash. Let him have a chance to see her again. She is "THE ONE" who got away. She is his "IF ONLY I". Trust me if she's back in town he's going to go after her. You don't seriously want to have to move out when you find her in your bed? Sorry other readers-please don't kill me - I'm just the messenger.
His ex may have zero body fat, but she doesn't sound like she was much fun. Forgetaboutit.
Pretty, pre med, running,vegan, who likes to cuddle = Lesbian
i bet she has gonorrhea. or some other lovely std that you can easily make up about her and no one will have the balls to ask about.
I agree with fairscape.
Seriously...what girl doesn't feel competitive about exes? I'm still insecure about my husband's ex sometimes -- and we've been married 5 years. I don't think that stuff goes away, but remember, he's with you and that's all that matters!
Great blog!
There's a reason she's an ex! Probably she's an overachieving pain in the ass!
EX-ReBF probably couldn't deal with it, thus you are probably the right pain in the ass for him and vice versa.
One more thought - There's always the Tanya Harding approach........whack!
When I hear the word "vegan", all I think is "completely awful and constrained in bed".
If she's so fantastic, why hasn't some other guy snapped her up in the meantime? Because if she's a running vegan fool, she can't possibly have much fun. Different strokes, but ICK.
A vegan is the sort of person who discusses their bowel movements with friends. a.k.a. gross losers
Mark your territory, watch your back. Constant Vigilence!
From what I've heard, she sounds very high-maintenance. Men do not like women who are hard to maintain. You, CB, are not hard to maintain. The only thing about low-maintenance girls is that guys sometimes lose interest, because there isn't enough DRAMA... those guys are just dumb, seriously. What guy in his right mind would want drama?!
Leave well enough alone, and maybe take a break from the relationship. Stay away, go on a short vacation. Or just keep your distance and be non-committal. Who wants to compete with another woman? If RBF loves you as much as it seems, this woman being around will only srengthen his interest in you, and he'll come running back into your arms. But you have to leave well enough alone for this to work that way, or he'll get pissed off at your antics and run into HER arms.
If he doesn't love you, he might find a new place in her life. But at least you wouldn't be wasting any more time with someone who isn't worth your while. (I'm not saying he's not worth your while -- I am actually quite fond of RBF!)
PS> Vegans really are smelly. There are tons of them in Olympia, where I grew up. You can seriously smell them before you see them -- no offense to the vegans.
So, she had more than just a key to his place? This sucks, and Manhattan is such a small borough in the grand scheme of things. Just make sure she lives on the opposite side of town and is bringing her very own re-boyfriend with her.
A Vegan runner? She sounds like the anorexic runners I went to college with who binge drank grain alcohol because everything else had too many calories for them.
But anyway. Animals taste good.
The only thing worse than being jealous of the ex is turning into the ex yourself. But thats not going to happen to you!
jamie u siko slut punk ass lying cheating ho go blo a toad
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