I'm Not At My Desk At The Moment
Yesterday afternoon Office Slacker’s phone rang. As he meandered about the cube aisle, I helpfully called "Hey Slacker, your phone’s ringing."
He shrugged.
"CB," he said, coming to a full stop in front of my cube, "I don’t answer my phone. Seriously, when are you going to learn?" He returned to his cube shaking his head in mock disappointment.
At first this appeared to be just another instance wherein Slacker attempts to teach me the Tao of Slackerdom and I laugh while disregarding everything he says. These interludes have been occurring for a month or so now.
When Slacker asks why I am doing a certain task, and I reply that I volunteered, he says "Haven’t I taught you anything?"
When Slacker sends me links to marginally funny web content and I do not read it immediately, he asks "What could you possibly be doing that is more important?"
When Slacker randomly asks what I am doing at a given moment, and I say "Reading The New York Times online," he replies proudly "Good job."
It is nice, in a way, to have someone in this atmosphere of rewardless over-achievement that thinks "taking initiative" is a filthy phrase. I know this because one time he asked, in a disgusted tone, “Oh my God CB, are you taking initiative?”
However, it never occurred to me that his “advice” could actually be useful.
My job, by its nature, fluctuates between the extremely stressful and the excruciatingly boring. Additionally, I have discovered that it is possible to be both stressed out and bored at the same time which leads to a strange sensation that I cannot name.
Recently, a stressful period has set in and I have been running around like a banshee, constantly feeling that I am screwing up since working on one project leads me to consider all the other projects I am not doing at that particular moment.
Usually, when in this mode, I answer the phone religiously, since nothing scares me more than coming back to a desk full of paper and a phone that is blinking red at me, holding God knows how many messages saying God knows what. But Slacker’s (most likely joking) announcement that he did not, as policy, answer his phone, sounded intriguing. I decided to give it a try.
At first it was terrifying, especially when one person called twice in a row. He knows I’m here! He can see me! I thought in a fit of paranoia. But as the day went on, it became easier.
Interestingly, only one person left a message. I also received two follow-up e-mails marked URGENT which some would say defeated the purpose of not answering the phone. But I am far better at handling urgent e-mails than urgent telephone requests. Urgent e-mails allow you to get up, get some coffee and even ask for some help before addressing the task at hand. Urgent phone calls make me want to piss myself.
And now, when busy, I do not have to take them. Ever again.
I do, however, sense that there is something very, very wrong with learning office behavior from someone who is named Office Slacker. And really, this is not just his nickname on my blog. If you came to my office and shouted that name out, he would most likely respond.
25 comments:
everyone needs a break every once in a while, CB
My first reaction was, "No wonder they call him slacker." By the end of the post I thought he had taught you one of those New Age "Work Smart" techniques...
email, voicemail and calendaring tools are just that -tools. You learn in business survival there is always a crisis and the thing to remember is you're not installing breaks on school buses. The work, email, voicemail will be there in an hour, day, week. The important (and efficient) thing to do is to finish what you're already involved in to the best you can and then move on.
Time management and organization are the key to surviving in corporate america; at any given time I only have 4 or 5 emails in my inbox and rarely answer a ringing phone but I'd be confident in saying I'm one of the top performers they have. Office Slacker may appear to be that, but he may be the Office Genius.
I don't answer my phone at home either when it is a call from business ppl...and, i try not to check my emails too often either...i want to piss myself when i see the bright red ! at the beginning of a probably harmless email signalling that i have not done the shit i was supposed to do a long time ago. when an email marked ! arrives at my inbox, once i have seen it, i won't check my email for days until i have caught up. i (childishly) rationalize not reading said email by saying that if i haven't seen it..i can't actually answer to whomever it is that so urgently needs my attention...or homework.
This is the first time I've read your blog, and I laughed out loud more than once. Boy have I met more than one 'office slacker'. Take a break....and keep that phone unanswered!!
I think you should not take advise from the Office Slacker. Once your lazy bone sets in its hard to get back to where you need to be. Doing the bare minimum will not get you far in the work force.
That word that you were looking for... Boressed (bored and stressed at the same time). It sounds like bare-assed, but definitely not as fun. In fact it makes me want to say the "F" word because it is a terrible place to be. Happy Half Nekkid Thursday, by the way!
I guess all of us have different ways of dealing with people at work. One guy here claims he doesn't hear the phone when he's concentrating hard. That might be a great excuse for not picking up.
Not responding to emails, or one line replies also seem to work great in that people who should, think you're busy. Those that know I slack off, get immediate replies.
A little creativity in slacking off methods goes a long way in reducing the monotony of a work day...
i disagree with bindress, you are clearly of a more high-strung and hard-working disposition, constitutionally incapable of becoming a true slaker. so take a few notes, and add some years to your life.
when they define the characteristics of the very most psychologically stressfull jobs, or so it is my understanding, it includes "pressure" and "boredom." you wrote "stressed out and bored" - same thing. it's lethal.
I don't know. It just seems to be a bad idea to slack off. To slow down because of stress is a good idea, though.
I have been a stay at home mom for a really long time so I am not an expert.
I do know I can't do much slacking here! Lol.
I think that you might have just started to ask the question that the slacker seems to have answered for himself. Namely: "are we the animals in the cage looking out at the people? Or, are they in the cage looking at us?"
Awesome post! Start writing for that magazine.
just my $0.02 from a red state.
CB~
you are WAY too smart and WAY too witty and WAY too cool to be wasting your time at that job. i mean it. with that said, however, i love reading your posts about the office!!!
reading about ur life is like reading a novel - an interesting novel(((((:
I know what you mean about the phone. When I used to work in PR, whenever my phone went I would imagine someone with a huge crisis on the other end, so I was hyperventilating with stress even before I picked up the receiver and found it was some telesales twit wanting me to take up his offer of a new credit card. Your Office Slacker has the right idea: avoid the phone if you can.
The world is just one big operant conditioning experiment. If people can't get you, they'll stop trying. I went from CB to OS wihtin about a week at my last job because everyone else was lazy as fuck becasue it was impossible to get fired. No one had EVER been fired from this place in over 30 years. I kept lamenting that eventually I would have to return to the "real world." *sigh* Real world: here I come. :(
CB
It's all fun and games until it is your phone call or your email that is not answered. Once people find you are unresponsive they will withdraw their business from your company and your company will withdraw your job. It is called outsourcing. Of course the folks who answer the phone in other countries actually answer the phone. They are getting paid a whole three dollars an hour with no benefits. It is something for all the office slackers of America to consider.
The person who does nothing does nothing wrong.
Use the time you are spending reading the NY Times on line instead to keep a document of your accomplishments. Print a copy of it and once a month go over it with your supervisor asking for input on how to improve.
If you don't do this, then OS will get the promotions and raises since clearly he is not screwing up as often as you are. Because, duhh... the guy who does nothing does nothing wrong.
You should make out with Office Slacker.
I'm the director of my division and I NEVER answer my phone. I find that if I don't AND don't return voice mail, people are more apt to email me thus eliminating ANY human contact I might encounter. God. I hate my job.
I also had an office slacker at my old job. He too liked to regale me with stories of his slackerdom, like how one time at his *last* job he had put some (and by some I mean a lot of) weed in the company coffee and was really proud of the mellow work day that it produced.
I was his boss at the time he was telling me the story.
Whatever advice/wisdom office slacker may give, I'd like to recommend against anything along the lines of a) putting weed in the company coffee or b) telling your former/current boss about the time you put the weed in the company coffee.
You've got a great sense of humor!
i've got 3 words for you:
buy lotto tickets
i'm convinced its our only way out of this drudgery.
Wow, I've been reading your blog for an hour! I had stuff to do! You have been linked...
You could answer the phone and give someone elses name...it's all kinds of fun.
Good blog you have here I'll have to come back and read more.:)
At my company, they teach not answering the phone as a time management technique. And ignore Bindress on slackers not going far. I know many who have progressed way past where you 'think they should be'.
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