Re-Boyfriend’s roommate/Best Friend found a girl this weekend. And then he kept her. All weekend.

Having met Friday night, one would think that, by virtue of its name, the one-night stand would end Saturday morning. Especially since the Girl seemed to have no recollection of the previous night. She wandered about the apartment making comments such as “Wow, these walls are such a pretty color,” and “Did I do cartwheels last night? Sometimes I do cartwheels when I’m drunk.”

But instead of leaving, the Girl took a shower, put on Best Friend’s pajamas and told me, in the manner one would tell a dirty joke, that they had “lost the condom.” I decided she was either the craziest person I had ever met, or I was on the outside of a very inside joke. Later, I amended this to include the option “Both.”

We all went out to dinner Saturday night and I couldn’t help it—I began to like her. Ignoring the fact that Best Friend and her appeared to have great difficulty not touching each other for more than five seconds at a time (which made it interesting to watch them eat) she was just kooky enough to make you feel completely at ease. Plus, she told Best Friend that she loved me because “CB’s so pretty and sweet looking, then she opens her mouth...”

But my love of her made me even more suspicious. She had been around for twenty-four hours and was settled in like it had been a month. This could not be a sign of sanity or good things to come.

After dinner, Re-Boyfriend and I went out, leaving the new lovebirds on the sofa, kissing each other’s noses and calling each other “Baby.” This was effectively no longer a one-night stand, but a strange event.

When Re-Boyfriend and I came back at two-thirty in the morning, drunk and, on my part, sleepy, the Girl popped her head up from the couch and asked if we wanted to run down to the diner and grab some greasy food before bed.

I felt as though Re-Boyfriend and I were the new couple, drinking and staying out late while the older, more mature couple did coupley things like paint pottery and watch independent films.

I knew it was ridiculous, but I felt like we were losing some unnamed contest with unspoken rules.

“I think I’m going to sleep,” I told Re-Boyfriend. “Will you bring me back cheesy fries?”

He looked uncomfortable.

Best Friend and the Girl giggled their way down the stairs as Re-Boyfriend called after them, “I’ll meet you there.”

“CB,” Re-Boyfriend turned to me after the door was safely closed. “Listen. You are coming downstairs with me and we are going to act like the loving couple we are.”

I laughed.

“They're not even dating,” he said in an exasperated tone. Part of the reason I love Re-Boyfriend is that he is just as immature as me.

“Fine, but I don’t think I can act loving.”

“Yes you can baby, I know you can do it.”

The next day, we woke up to find that the Girl was gone. So was Best Friend. He didn’t come back last night, which makes this a three-night stand and the fastest relationship kick-off I have ever seen.

Maybe it is partially because she is thirty-four?