When I Am A Manager I Will...
Walk to my assistant’s desk and ask her to fax a piece of paper, ignoring the fact that the walk to the fax machine would have been shorter than the walk to her.
Ask, every day, what my assistant is eating for lunch in the hopes of imparting some body issues.
Read my assistant’s e-mail. That should be fun.
Take people out to lunch on my corporate card, then make them feel guilty about the money I have spent.
Leave my assistant to wander about aimlessly for seven hours, then give her ten projects to do at 4pm. Sometimes, for effect, I'll stop by her desk at 5pm as I'm leaving. I'll tell her to go home but offer no advice on how she is supposed to both go home and complete the tasks I have assigned.
Make stressed out faces at everyone that walks by my office and mutter “Rough day,” or “Fucking shit.” Then I'll play solitaire, hoping that my windows do not reflect my computer screen to those who pass by. If I get really paranoid, I'll close the door and pretend I am on an "important call".
Inquire, when underlings ask me for time off to visit a doctor, “What for?” If one of my underlings is so audaciously funny as to answer “The gynecologist,” I will repeat “What for?”
Stop people on their way to the bathroom and ask, very demandingly, if they have a moment to chat.
Say things like “You! I need it now! Where is it?” then run into my office and slam the door, giggling at the knowledge that even I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Mention, casually, that I love brownies, knowing that, if I repeat the sentiment enough, some ass-kisser somewhere will make brownies for me. And they better be fucking good.
53 comments:
you will be a crazy boss lady, and truly earn the title "The Company's Biggest Bitch" if you do these things ... lol
Funny
When I was A company bitch I too longed for the day I would have an office door to shut whilst pretending to "Take an important call." Now, I have one and I love it. Soon this day will come for you too CB, soon my child soon. =)
you're sick and twisted. i love it.
You forgot the one where they are already having a conversation in their head and then expect you to jump in with the proper answer about the one of 20 projects you're working on half way through said conversation in their head, i.e. "....how's that coming?" Which should have started with: "XYZ just called about project LMN and are riding my ass about it, so ....."how's that coming?"
ISNT IT ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT, IM THE COMPANY BITCH TOO.ILL FUCKING SURF THE INTERNET FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE DAY, PRAYING THAT I WILL GET A "TASK" TO DO, AND THEN FINALLY, I GET ABOUT 64 "TASKS" AT 4:30. ITS FUCKING BULLSHIT. SO USUALLY I JUST CONTINUE TO SURF THE INTERNET AND WAIT TILL THE NEXT DAY TO DO IT. OR I WILL JUST BE SO BUSY DRIVING MY BOSS'S KIDS AROUND AND GOING ON FUCKING ERRANDS ALL DAY THAT WHEN I COMEB ACK THERE IS A SHIT LOAD OF STUFF TO DO.
. . . give my car keys to my assistant and ask her to drive 30 minutes to my house to pick up my umbrella.
Hash brownies or regular? Good thing my Dad is my boss. He does make me wait to pee while we are driving around from place to place. His excuse is always, "You can hold it." Fucker. Because when he needs to go, he can conveniently find someplace pronto. Oh, and we have a low-tolerance bullshit policy in my office. It's just my Dad, our office manager (polite name for a secretary) and me. My Dad is all business. I am all play. I even have a beach ball in my office. All of this playfulness is lost on him. Wonder what will happen later in the year when office manager's daughter becomes a single mom and office manager makes a nursery of her gigantic office space. Oh, and can someone tell me how come she gets a window and I get a wall? Not fair. Not fair at all.
My ex-boss would not allow us to use blue post-its in notes to her, because...get ready.."blue is a boy color". The only acceptable colors were pink(for obvious reasons), yellow(reminded her of sunshine),green(one of her soriorty colors), and purple (because it reminded her of her mother), and that is just scratching the surface of craziness.
~G
ohhh CB, you left out....
"Go 4 days without opening my mouth to speak to my assistant, choosing only to convey opinions via emails"
Thats my favourite...
~Leesha~
Oh, the good life, wish I could work in a regular office. Here I just get cursed at when I assign jobs and projects...
and hover over your assistant's shoulder, asking every 3 to 4 minutes how that MASSIVE project you just dropped in her lap is going...because really, it'll make her more productive and get the job done that much faster.
guaranteed.
CB i just love ya!
CBorG
mmmmmm
Brownies!!!
Hopefully I'll work with you. Not for you, because that sounds awful, but on your level so we can conspire about our torture tactics over a company-expensed lunch.
CB, I sense a little misplaced anger....hmmm
Secret is we are on to you and your BS..LOL!
Oh My Gawd! Did I read it right? Someone made this post all about them. Oh wow! Say is isnt so!
Sorry, couldnt help myself. giggle.
since i know nothing about office bullshit, i would just like to use my comment for this post to say to other commenters that when you type in all-caps, it is virtually impossible to read (and a little painful).
oh, and that if you were given a office job working at your father's company, then its really no big surprise to anyone that you have an "all-play" approach to work. but hey, to each his own. i'm just saying...
and cb, i love your posts that make me laugh out loud. and, quite frankly, i love YOU. :)
"Is that my line? Oh, take a message I can't talk to them right now." while standing next to your desk with the other party still on the line.
...give explicit instructions to my assistant to complete an URGENT task due YESTERDAY, and then email back as I nitpick through each word, correcting things I had clearly asked to be completed in a wholly unrelated manner. I will be as unpleasant as possible in my email, condescending to my own CB in rage-inducing ways, and then entirely forget what revisions I requested once the final product was handed in, so that all corrections had to be un-corrected.
(tee hee.)
It's like reverse bitchkarma. Except I'm such a softie that I'd never actually do it.
oh to dream big...
List at least four things as 'top priority'
Run at my CB's desk at 5:30 with an urgent letter, demand to proof read it, make changes, proof read again, make more changes, proof read again, reverse changes, and then say 'These letters are really something you should be able to do by now'. Ask at least four times if the mail really does get picked up at 6pm 'even at this mail box?' becuase, of course, my CB has been stalking the mailbox (on a corner 400m away) to establish the accuracy of the 6pm pick-up.
CB
Is this what they teach in college these days? What's the course called? Intimidation 101?
The absolute best one I ever saw was the Director walking into an office and pointing at some papers on someones desk announcing "These papers were supposed to be on my desk by one o'clock" and then walking back across the hall empty handed so that the person had to grab the papers and run across the hall after her with them. As fate would have it my mother witnessed it. She gave the Director a new name.The Old Water Buffalo.Mother was much nicer to me about my job after that incident.
Sorry bindress, etc.
There appears to be a uniform template for the stereotypical manager that applies right around the world.
Hallelujah for human predictability
When I'm a manager, I'm going to label my assistant as the company slut.
And then I'll call my life complete.
Love the blog!
Oy Vey. You obviously work for a version of my boss, The Needy Little Man. My favorite days are the ones where I get to drive is ungrateful bitch of a daughter around and listen to how she waste's daddy's (a.k.a. company) money on her whims.
One day, I will escape "the man". It is my only hope.
Rhi
Fellow Company Bitch
This reminds me of my last boss. Yikes. No offense, but I don't wanna work for you! :)
You just described one of my bosses to a 'T'--yes, I too run taskless during the day and when it's almost quitting time--10,00 tasks to take me to overtime. It sucks!
I think I'll do what my old boss did. I'll walk right past the outbox to my CB and hand her a stack of letters to mail with a stamp paperclipped to each of the personal ones. Then walk right back past the outbox on the way back to my desk.
Are you my boss? :-/
clearly you forgot the "oh did I forget to mention my 'big meeting which can't be interrupted for anything' is code for GOLF!"
of course yours will be 'shopping incognito at Whole Foods'
Okay, now I wasn't nervous to start my new job Monday as assistant to The Manager.....now I am. I hope she likes brownies with nuts.
Knowing that you are expendable.
Having to fill stupid forms on how you see your future as a manager.
Being asked to fire a female employee because her salary is too high.
Being asked to set up records on employees just in case.
Almost meeting budget requirements.
She sounds like a lovely person. X-Lax in the brownies. Come on, do it! It's your 80s movie moment!
F**king hilarious! When I am manager I am totally doing every single one of those, because every single one of those has been done to me in my day as a personal assistant. Damn bosses!
i know it's an old movie, but i just saw "Office Space" and your post reminded me of it--the one about Office Slacker never answering his phone did too.
i've been in the 'alternative universe' for so long that jobs/businesses like yours seem unbelievable to me--but your comments tell another story!
better you than me--i'd implode. not to say you haven't, but then again you are young enough to recover gracefully, plus you tell a great story. put a book together!
I think you wrote the Devil Wears Prada
you are insane chick Grinning wildly...
One question - are you a Scorpio?
I used to work the early morning shift at a call center. I used to come early and decorate people's computer monitors. When my arch enemy's dog died, I decorated her monitor with tombstones and ghost dogs, when my trainee got promoted over me, I decorated his monitor with pictures of butts and lips. I would randomly decorate monitors with pictures of Ketchup, trashcans, dog poop, you name it. No one ever guessed it was me... It was fun.....
Nice!
When I'm the boss I'm going to close my door so people think I'm busy but then I'll sneak out of the office to see a movie or sit by the pool.
People that work in offices for their whole lives live a shell of the life that the rest of us do. I made my hobby my job (music) and now I never have to "work" another day in my life. Have a nice life! I know I will.
Amelia, while your feelings about working in offices may be applicable to you, it is unfair and judgemental to generalize in the manner that you did. Where did you acquire this knowledge?
Goldilocks, was that a good book?
Amelia, I get the feeling that C.B. is living a life full of excitment and wonder.
Amelia Sartoysha, you're a cunt! The hemi-semi-demiquaver kind!
Hilarious!
Wait, so I'm a British 64th note cunt? That's hilarious. Wow, ya got me there.
This post is both a LAUGH RIOT, and INSANELY DEPRESSING at the same time, because in either case, it is nuttin but'da truth.
I need to watch Office Space again.
I can't even tell you how many times I've thought almost the same things.
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