After years spent doing it the hard way, I decided to buy a vibrator. I was starting to feel left out. Listening to everyone else go on and on about the things, it was like I was a virgin all over again, nodding my head uncomprehendingly while everyone else talked about the size of Bobby’s penis.

Obviously, the easiest, (and least embarrassing) way to purchase the item would be to buy it online. Unfortunately, I do not have a doorman and so cannot accept packages bigger than the slot in my mailbox. That sounds like a sexual pun but is really just the truth.

Sometimes I ask people at the dry cleaners next door to accept packages for me. I considered getting my vibrator delivered to them but if the package was mistakenly opened, I would never be able to walk by their place of business again. Since it is on my way to the subway, avoiding their storefront would add a lot of time to my commute in the morning. Plus, I am already avoiding my corner bodega due to a long drunken chat with the owner about how much I loooove strippers, and I've always felt it is best to limit the number of places one needs to avoid within a five block radius of one's home.

I’d have to go buy a vibrator in person.

I quickly decided against Ricky’s or any other sex shop/normal shop hybrid. I felt it would be a bit disconcerting to wait in line, vibrator in hand, next to someone who was buying shampoo.

And so it was off to the West Village, home to Sarah Jessica Parker and eighteen million sex shops.

Being, secretly, a little bit shy, I couldn’t just walk into a sex shop. I had to walk around for a bit to get my nerve up, passing by all the windows with lingerie clad mannequins holding whips while mentally berating myself for not being braver. I peeked inside places as I walked by, trying to determine which store would be the least scary.

There were many trips around the block.

Finally, I got a hold of myself and said "CB, you’re being a goddamn pussy." I marched off to a store that appeared large and relatively non-alarming. As I approached I saw an older couple standing thoughtfully in front of the store and felt somewhat better. If they were potential customers, then I could stop worrying that I would stick out with my non-multiply pierced face and fishnet-free legs.

Then I saw the camera-wielding younger woman wearing mom-jeans.

Then, as I got closer, I heard the words “They sure don’t have this in South Dakota.”

Then, “Look! She’s got a whip.” Several squeals and chortling. “Who do you think goes in here?”

At this point the elderly couple were pressed up against the glass, their hands cupping their eyes to block the sunlight, hoping for a glimpse of a perverted customer. The woman I assumed to be their daughter was standing in front of the door, perhaps reading the business hours.

I could walk around the block again, but my legs hurt.

But I really am a total pussy. I walked around the block.

Beginning to sweat, I rounded the corner again, and saw that the family was still there.

Fine. That was it. No South Dakota curiosity-seekers were going to intimidate me any more than they already had.

“Excuse me,” I said politely to the woman blocking the entrance.

She moved aside to let me enter as her companions openly stared.

“Have a nice day,” I said sweetly, not wanting her to think I was a rude as well as a slut.

“Yes,” she answered. It didn’t really make any sense, but I suppose she was startled.

Before the door swung shut behind me, I clearly heard “Did you see that?” And now maybe I will be part of a vacation story in a week or so as the South Dakota family tells everyone that all New Yorkers are sex-crazed freaks, even the ones who wear white buttons-downs.

And, in case you were wondering, the vibrator is awesome. And the purple-haired woman who helped me pick it out was actually not scary at all.

And a big shout out to the reader who wished my pill would fail and I'd have an unplanned pregnancy. Holla! Maybe I do need the meaning of life forced upon me. In the meantime my vibrator will have to teach me all my Zen lessons. Look, it doesn't cry!