A Snoring Relapse or All Good Things Must Come To An End
Last night Re-Boyfriend returned to his natural state of annoying snorer.
He also demonstrated his heretofore unknown ability to say “Uh-huh,” in his sleep.
“Can you stop snoring?”
“Uh-huh.”
Snore.
“Come on baby.”
“Uh-huh.”
Pause.
Snore.
“Can you stop snoring, or is it just not going to happen?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Uh-huh.”
Snore.
“Are you a monkey?”
“Uh-huh.”
Clearly there was no reasoning with him. I got out of bed and was pulling on a t-shirt, debating whether to cab it back to my apartment or sleep on the couch, when Re-Boyfriend lifted his head up and asked, quite loudly, “What? What are you doing?”
"You were snoring so—"
“Goddamnit CB, I am lying here. I'm trying to be a good person!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Uh-huh.”
He rolled over.
Alright then.
I listened carefully, but the snoring seemed to have stopped. I tentatively approached the bed before climbing in ever so carefully so as not to disturb Re-Boyfriend’s non-snoring position. I snuggled into my pillow and was just feeling as though the battle for sleep was over when Re-Boyfriend’s knee came out of nowhere and attacked my butt before settling on top of my thigh.
“Move your knee.”
“What?” At least he sounded more awake.
“Your knee, get your knee off of me. No good ever comes of your knee on me.”
“What if I bought you flowers with my knee on you? That would be good.”
Re-Boyfriend wasn’t smiling. This was his logic. This made sense.
I had no answer except to forcibly push him away and roll him over. I tried to arrange him in a self-tangling position so that, if not fully awake, he would have difficulty moving around.
Of course, in the morning he remembered nothing.
It is like I went to sleep with Re-Boyfriend the twenty-five year old, but was visited by Re-Boyfriend the five-year old at various points in the night.
24 comments:
enjoy it while it lasts, CB!
I don't know if I could handle that! My husband sleeps in the same position all night and he doesn't snore. I am the one who is snoring and tossing and turning all night!
Go figure. I guess there always has to be one in every relationship.
You know, I'm sure there are snoring stuff you can get at the drugstore to help with the snoring. I've got this candy thingy that you just pop into your mouth right before bed and it destroys anyone's superlative ability to snore. You have to be careful not to choke on it but if you did, you'd wake up and the snoring would stop, too.
Sounds like you need ear plugs and a king size bed.
I slept with ear plugs every night until we had a kid. Now I just have to suffer the snoring b/c there is no way in hell he would ever hear the kid if it was crying in the night.
Ever tried recording the conversations? You might be interesting to talk about later.
ahhh, my son turns 5 tomorrow:).
I read that if you put a tennis ball in the back of his shirt he wont sleep on his back, and the snoring will stop. try it it might work. my hubby wont do it so I dont know for sure.
I do wear ear plugs though. I cant sleep without them anymore, even if hubby is out of town. I have an 11 year old daughter that lets me know if my young one is crying.
I'm a snorer, but my current bf thinks it's "cute". I don't get this at all. I guess because it's quiet snoring. I HATE sleeping with dudes who snore- would seriously consider not sleeping over anymore.
Snoring is an involuntary function. I have snored since I was a tot. The best thing to avoid argument or hurt feelings is the sit down and have an adult discussion about your sleeping arrangements. A person who snores is not snoring on purpose to disturb you. It goes along with drooling and farting in your sleep.
Both of you need a good night's sleep so the earlier you make alternate arrangements the better.
If he does not snore that often, you are pretty lucky.
To an extent old lady. In my situation my husband snores when he's been smoking or drinking too much, so it can be controlled.
mne said...
enjoy it while it lasts, CB!
HUH? Enjoy what exactly while it lasts? His snores?
Lara said...
Sounds like you need ear plugs and a king size bed.
Yeah, that doesn't work either. My bf bought the king sized bed and stole some ear plugs for me from work. All this has accomplished is that I find myself hugging the edge of a King sized bed instead of a Queen sized bed. My mother was right when she told me men take their half(of the bed) out of the middle. As for the ear plugs, I'm paranoid that with them in I won't hear the alarm go off, so I can't sleep anyway.
Like I said last time CB when you recounted the snoring issue, I feel your pain!
Get him like a "Breath Rite" strip. Or put a pillow of his mouth.
You could try sleeping with a second pillow over your head... It's actually kinda comfortable in a snuggled-sufficating way.
Life is too short if you can't sleep. Just re-ex-boyfriend him and be done with it.
I would say that you should try getting him to sleep in a different position, and also try having a discussion with him about your problem with his sleeping patterns, if you haven't already.
It never helps the snoring problem if he has allergies or congestant problems, so you can try that approach, also.
I must say, earplugs are very, very nice if you can get used to them. It's magnificent to sleep in complete silence. It kind of feels like you're on a cloud after a while, because you can't hear ANYTHING. AT ALL.
Good luck.
Break up with the loser!
Wow, he sounded drunk. ("I'm trying to be a good person!")
poor you, but sooo funny
Its the Ghost of Reboyfriend's Past!
omg! Do what Drunken Master suggested, and upload them to the web for us all to listen to, ROFL!
I wish that I'd recorded some of my brother's sleep-mumblings. He used to talk about hilarious things, like magnifying glasses, spiders and Michael Jackson. I also recall one night where he was sleepwalking and put his pillow in the bath and hopped in and spent the rest of the night in peaceful slumber. Poor fool was stunned when he woke up in the morning!
Do it, I say! DOOOO EEEEEEEEEEET!
The boy that snores like a man..interesting...and the line about his knee 'attacked my butt out of nowhere' cracked me up.
Are the attacks usually scheduled?
i was CRYING at my desk the ENTIRE time i was trying 2 get thru reading this post...
ooooh how i can relate!
Mine screams out things like
"Kill him and then take his numbers!"
Then he kicks me.
But I snore so it evens out
My ex-boyfriend was a pretty loud snorer also. I found that when he started snoring (while laying on his back obviously), and i pushed his head/face the opposite way of whichever way he was sleeping he would stop long enuff for me to fall asleep (like 15 minute window of opportunity) Of course that only works if you can stay asleep when he starts back up again.
My husband snores & sayz "uh-huh" all night. He's at least very agreeable "uh-huh"
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