Things My Roommate Does That Annoy Me

1. She asks me what the weather is in the morning, even though I’ve just gotten out of bed and clearly have not yet received any communication from the outside world.

2. She places smelly food trash in the garbage can, even when it is overflowing, even when there is no trash bag. The annoyance factor of this is compounded by the fact that we live, quite literally, next door to the building’s garbage dump, thus making the act of taking out the trash an eight second job.

3. She has a boyfriend. Sometimes he comes over and watches ESPN when I want to watch trashy television.


That’s it. That’s all. Over two years, I have discovered three things about my roommate that annoy me. And one isn’t even really about my roommate. Plus, honestly, I actually think the weather thing is kind of cute most of the time.

So then, why did I think it would be a good idea for us to go our separate ways in the Manhattan real estate jungle and live alone?

Did I think it would be cool to pay hundreds of more dollars a month to live alone? Did I think it would be nice to move to a neighborhood I could actually afford so I could feel scared going home by myself? Did I think the extra forty-minute commute such a neighborhood would require would be fun? And last, but most certainly not least, did I consider the fact that whenever I am alone in my Upper East Side apartment I check the locks on the front door and all windows about once an hour and three times before bed?

I am hoping the answer to these questions is "Didn't think of it at all," because I would rather I had made an uninformed, ignorant decision than a completely stupid one.

So, once I thought about it, I decided to move in with Re-Boyfriend. Because I wanted to. Because I loved him. Not because of his low-rent, well-decorated, freakishly spacious apartment that he got through a pseudo underhanded deal.

Unfortunately, I soon began to notice that Re-Boyfriend’s roommate was not making the “I’ll be moving out,” comments that had come so consistently in past months. Then the roommate made a comment about installing a flat screen television. I was alarmed.

Interpreting the purchase of flat screen television as a sign that the purchaser was most likely not going anywhere, I approached Re-Boyfriend. “So...my lease is ending this summer …”

My instincts had been correct. The roommate was no longer moving out. I suddenly became irrationally angry that Re-Boyfriend and his roommate had such a cheap apartment when they could clearly afford a more expensive one. Flat screen indeed. Fortunately, I realized this anger was irrational and said only, “Oh, well.”

Then once I knew I couldn’t, I began to think it would actually be really fun to live with Re-Boyfriend. He is quite entertaining, singing and free-associating, even in his sleep.

Sigh.

Last night Re-Boyfriend chose to torture me by saying “Wouldn’t it be great if my roommate moved out and you moved in?”

Yes. Yes that would be great. It would also be great if me and my roommate weren’t going our separate ways, I had a higher salary, and Manhattan real estate wasn’t so obscene in its ability to fuck us all.

Off to find a home...