Does anyone else have these problems or am I especially neurotic?
It is hard to vent into cyberspace and feel good about it when (in an excessively stupid and naïve moment), you told certain people about your blog.
People that know about my blog because I have told them:
My boyfriend, my best friend, my mother.
People that know about my blog because the people I have told have told them:
A select few of my boyfriend’s co-workers and a friend that S. has “Oops! CB, I’m sorry!” told. (In S.’s defense, one is probably less than the amount I would have oops-told if the situation were reversed).
People that know I have a blog but not the exact address because the people I have told have told them but not told them everything:
Every one of my boyfriend’s co-workers with whom he is friendly, my boyfriend’s roommate, my boyfriend’s roommate’s friends, almost every one of my friends, my father.
That is a lot of people not to offend.
Plus, due to a lack of interest in getting fired from my job, I periodically enter strange phases wherein I imagine myself to be a spy or a whistle-blower or some sort of mole-like agent. I obsessively change the hair colors of co-workers and the dates of certain incidents in my posts, thinking myself very sly. I formulate defenses for myself, should I ever be called into my boss’ office and asked about The Company Bitch. “It’s my friend’s.” “It’s fictional.” “What’s a blog?”
Then, after a prolonged period of such low-grade paranoia, my perspective begins to get a bit warped. Soon enough I imagine that everyone is reading this blog. I become absolutely convinced that the slightest slip will reveal my identity to everyone I know. I actually had the following conversation with S.:
“I think I have to take down that post about our engaged friend.”
“Errrr...I don’t think she reads your blog.”
“But it was kind of mean, don’t you think?”
“CB, seriously, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t read your blog.”
“But what if she does? She’ll know it’s her.”
“Please shut up.”
And then I had the following conversation with Re-Boyfriend:
“Why isn’t the internet working?”
“I know you’re about to delete another post. You can't delete them all.”
“So why isn’t the internet working?”
“I turned it off. I think you should calm down first.”
I sat, staring, tapping my foot impatiently.
“CB, calm down.”
“I am calm.”
“What’s that?” Re-Boyfriend pointed to the shaking foot.
“I’m just waiting for you to turn the internet back on.”
All told, it is a lot of stress and worry for a hobby that started as a way to relieve stress and worry. I don’t even know what I’m more afraid of, alienating the friends and family that already know or having more friends and family find out.
I feel like I should either get over it or just start another totally anonymous blog, but I don’t know which.
66 comments:
Nope. You're not alone in the cycling parabloganoia.
If it means you keep being honest and funny - go find another anonymous place to post...question is how will all of us who don't know you, would never be offended and want to read you find you???
i so feel you... keeping it anonymous would be totally ideal... i'd probably just start another blog and not tell anyone you know about it... especially not Re-Boyfriend...
but jenn is right, how would we find you if switched blogs :-/...
~DD
Lessons in life learned. You have been hoisted on your own petard(sp). You have come to the point where you must make a decision. Keep your blog in it's originality and stand by what you produce or start over. Thus far you have learned that there is always something unexpected around the corner of life and that keeping a secret does not necessarily indicate dishonesty.
CB, I love reading your blog and would miss it as a part of my daily slacking if you were to change.
I just found your blog and would love to keep reading...if you decide to create an anonymous blog, I hope I stumble on it. You are freaking hilarious! Hope your quest for what you should do finds you!
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you leave this site up. It is entertaining to read, and re-read.
um, you just use a service like statcounter.com and then you can KNOW who is reading your blooger.
THEN you can freak out based on facts.
Please don't do away with this blog. It is one of the few pleasures I have at work each day.
i know that. my friends had that paranoia that i would take their names in vain, when they heard about the blog.
Ha! I just deleted a post yesterday because I insulted people who do look at my blog from time to time.
There was a time a month ago when my boss' wife dropped a hint saying she found my blog, and I'd panicked then, but thankfully did nothing about.
Lots of people know about about their friends/coworkers/family's blogs. The hard part is finding it.
Till then blog away with malice towards one and all.
CB
Dear child,
You have had over 15,000 profile views in the past year. Everybody is reading you. Some of us assume you are a complete fiction and some of us believe you are 100% for real. We all agree you have inventive way with words.
Personally, I am still reeling over the loss of Dirk the Feeble at Afraid of the Dark. Please don't quit. But please don't continue at the expense of your own life and relationships. Please do say goodbye if you decide to go.
If you do go, you will be missed.
fairsCaPe
Aaahhh, don't you secretly wanted to be Dooced? I thought all folks who blog about their jobs wanted that -- secretly, of course!!
Ms. Boomer Chronicles
http://www.thegeminiweb.com/babyboomer/index.php
Regardless of what you do! email me the new link! I want to hear how reboyfriend redeems himself!! I love reading you, and I don't wnat to stop!!
I don't know why people tell their friends and family about their personal blog names and locations. You're blogging to bitch about stuff and if you know the people you're bitching about can read the stuff... ah- you just can't be honest in that forum. Start over.
Well, as your father, I certainly would hate to go to all the trouble of finding your new blog. But how else would I know what you're up to?
I have been through that with my blog. I wanted to use it to bitch about my work..then because work records the websites you go too they found my blog address and emailed it to everyone.
didnt stop me from bitching though. Im not using company time to write in it (much) so they cant' fire me for what I say in it.
But im with all the rest here, dont go if you dont have too. Hearing what you have to say makes my day okay.
Baby girl, I'm totally with you on this one! I used to have an "anonymous" blog, but I had to get rid of it 'cause I was so proud of how open and vulnerable I was in this space, that I just had to share my new-found joy with my best friend and roommate. Big mistake. She had no idea how annoyed I had been about a few things, and, long story short, we no longer live together. Plus, I lost one of my favorite boy toys over it. Not worth other people knowing. Start over, and keep your mouth shut! That's my advice, if you want total freedom. And the next time, so long as you don't tell anyone, you won't have to change dates or hair color. It's pretty cool, actually, having something that is totally and completely yours.
If you go away you take away the sunny part of my day. Whoever reads your blog, be it known's or unknown's, realizes you are a complete human who knows how to express herself. A rare talent that's honest and, literate!!
Oh man, I'm so glad I've refrained from telling people about mine! In my heart of hearts I just want kudos for how truely witty and entertaining I am! ;-)
However, instead, I constantly tell them about your blog!!!!
We'd all be sad if you went, but I think we'd all understand.
i just write a different way and use nicknames for people. if they have an online presence then i use that handle.
and i just assume everyone i've ever met or will meet is reading it and go from there.
that said, if your blog is for bitching then you may have to find somewhere else to do it.
The best blogs are those that don't give a fuck who's offended.
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
If you move, e-mail me your new address, you put a very witty voice to my office angst.
I vote "get over it". Your fan base is too broad - it would be supremely unfair to your readers if you just went *poof* into the ether.
Your blog is one of the few that make the blogosphere worth traveling in. Just keep disguising your experiences a little bit here and there, and you should be safe enough. Or post with a little note: "This post will self-implode within 24 hours, so read it now or read it never, suckas."
Just don't stop writing!
I agree with chrysalis! If you move, you should email your loyal fans with the address. Although, there may be far too many for you to give us all that personal attention! Let's just say, if I don't have your blog to read, I may as well not have internet service.
You're awesome, CB. I'm one of the has-no-idea-who-you-are- or-whether-this-is-true people. I love reading your blog and hope that you somehow let us know where you'll be going if you do decide to go anonymous. I wouldn't worry about it, though, if people get offened it's because they're weenies. :)
Umm, why do you care? I understand all the work stuff and not wantingto offend everyone, but so what. There is to much PCness in the world today adn I'm getting sick of it. Blogs are for getting things off your chest and out of your head.
As of now has anyone of your friends or family or even co-workers said anything to you about it?
Screw it...just keep doing what you do. It's your place, use it. At least your not keeping it all in and exploding on everyone around you because your holding back.
BTW...whatever happen with S and the unich?
It's the blogger's catch 22:
1. Funny, scathing, much-linked-to-blog that everyone reads, but then you are held accountable for your musings, however witty.
2. Secret, funny, scathing below-the-radar-blog that people don't know you wrote, and therefore cannot commend you for your musings, (as they should because you're damn witty).
If you were in danger I'd say implode the blog and start anew, even though I love to read. However:
a. you do a good job keeping things anonymous
b. your never mention the company name or other telling details; as such, no harm to said company
c. your boss does not have time to read blogs, nor does he care to read them.
You're fine, CB. Carry on. Now go write something witty!
You really need to have a totally anonymous blog if that is affecting the quality of your work.
I have a family/friend friendly blog. I also have an anonymous blog that no one, other than the 5 or 6 occasional readers, knows about.
The question is how we would find out about your new anonymous blog because I would like to continue reading it. Perhaps you could come up with a clever set of clues or scavenger hunt that would lead to your new blog.
I am having the exact same problem. What's the point of having a place to write your thoughts if it's censored by the politics of who's reading it?
The problem with the anonymous blog is that there's no way to make sure your current readers get the new url!
A lot of those famous bloggers who have gotten fired because of their blogs started off being anonymous too. You can't have a wildly successful blog like yours and expect to remain anonymous forever. Someone will find out. It is just a matter of time.
But I wouldn't worry about the job implications if I were you. You are talented enough to land squarely on your feet and then laugh in the faces of those who fired you.
As far as personal relationships go, never say anything in your blog about a loved one that you haven't said to their face. It helps to keep the peace.
Of course, this all comes from a woman who hopes her employers & co-workers NEVER find out she has a blog.
yeah ... tip-toeing is a bitch
I spent 3/4 of my vacation back-reading your entires from one year ago (happy anniversay, by the way). You have acquired a bit of a cult following! Sod it, stay online!
every blogger goes through this.
start another blog and don't tell a damned soul. simple huh?
Ok, I actually made my blog a favorite on my dad's computer and ever since have editing out at least 1/2 of the F words - fortunately for me I use AAAAAAAAHLOT of F words.
You are witty and honest and witty and funny and don't sweat it girl. Keep this sucker up or I will hunt you down and kill you... ok slap you. Ok admonish you like you nevah been admonished.
"to turn the internet back on."
CB, wtf? First of all, that is the most retarded thing I've ever read you say. I'm hoping its just due to apt-hunting-related stress...
Secondly, don't freak over the prospect that ppl you know might be reading your blog. Think of it like sneaky sex in a semi-public place - you're nervous you might get caught, but damn, its good. No worries, plum.
Lastly, Re-BF is a douche for diva-wailing about your potential move to BK.
Hey CB,
I stumbled on your blog by chance many months ago and from that moment on, I have become an ardent fan of yours...
So if there is really ever one day where your paranoia gets the better of you, you jus gotta tell me the address to your new anonymous blog...
Rest assured that your identity is unknown to me and heck, we live in different continents...
Until then, keep those posts coming! You rock girl!
You need to start dishing more dirt and describe your every sexual encounter in lurid detail in an attempt to secure a "girlwithaonetrackmind" style six figure publishing deal then at least you would have a shed load of cash to ease your paranoid mind.
I started blogging after I first experienced true intimacy (http://worldofnj.blogspot.com/2005/03/intimacy.html). I gave all the people I trusted the address & wrote while leaving caution to the wind. I've since started over at a semi-private address. The thing is, I don't post anything I wouldn't want published on the front page of The New York Times. And I've taken my mother's advice and not done anything I wouldn't be able to have to answer to on 60 minutes. Either keep blogging honestly or know that "secrets & lies are ends of the same rope that keep us in bondage"...not that bondage is always a bad thing ;-)
stop deleting my comments!!!
i'm only jesting, it's an australian thing
i never delete your comments.
If you start again, you will have to tell those of us you don't know where you will be by posting your new blog on a comment on our blogs and that would be a lot of work - not for me because there are only 3 people reading mine but for you? Doesn't sound fun
But I am just as paranoid
i know exactly what you mean. i didn't tell anyone at first and then i was mad no one was reading it. so i told a few folks and then i became guarded about what i said. please don't stop writing - i love reading your blog.
I bitched about my bosses, big time. Then I come to find out their daughter reads my blog. Then she wouldn't talk to me and I didn't know why. She flat out said, "Well, ever since you started slamming my parents, I haven't had the time." Oops. I said, "Hey, just because you're their daughter doesn't make them any less mean." Just go with the flow.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I recently nixed my blog and created a new anonymous blog because I found out that one person read it that I didn't want to read it. It seems a little extreme but it just gave me that feeling that someone was watching me or something.
I don't think you should start a new blog. Yours seems pretty anonymous to me.
Your's is not a unique problem in blogdom. Here is an article from the NYU Journalism department on this very topic.
I hope you don't leave. I love reading your latest so much, my sister in law also reads it.
I am the type of person who tells many people like it is. But Have been working really hard to keep it to myself. But, what I do happen to say or blog is mine. I own it and I stand behind every thing I say no matter how bad it makes people feel. The proublem with our country is everyone is so fake and afraid of the truth.
Keep bloggin!
yeah, sorry, my mistake. i was reading the wrong blog of yours...
i'm moving to brooklyn and i need a flatty, want to move in with me?
I totally know your pain. I started my blog about 4 years ago (if not longer) to completely write to relieve my stress. It has gone through a lot with me..
I write anonymously about shit that just stresses me out too. And a select few know about my blog. AND unlike you, a co-worker may have figured mine out :( I was stuck in the situation of declining I did not know what he was talking about. I ended up not blogging for a while..now I'm back at it. But I learned my lesson..I stick to things which are neutral.
I can't change the blog name..i've had it for years...I suggest you not start a new blog at all. I think what you should do is get over your paranoia because it'll ruin your blogging. However, be very careful when you do blog..because co-workers have STRONG nosy eyes :(
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......... I'm all the way up in Canada, and I LOVEEE your blog!!! It makes me feel not so alone in the world! And you inspire me. And And And And... hyperventillating... breathe... breathe... okay... phewf... moment over.
Seriously though... you've got to keep this blog! You're FUNNY! Or... if you do start a new one... you've GOT to tell me your new address... I swear, I won't tell any of your friends or family!
I think it's just as important to stay true to yourself as it is to stay true to others.
Boy having a found your blog just a few months agao I have been riveted ever since, it is AWSOME! I really hope you dont stop this blog... I do think however that you should prob do another anonymous blog it helps especially when the original reason for your blog was to allow you to relieve stress and worry.
heck nah you aren't alone.... i wrote a blogpost about it a while back also...
i got sitemeter, and that helps with knowing who is reading. you should try it
Well, since you said you would email those that asked if you moved blogs, please add me to that list if the day should ever come.
I agree you should use statcounter.com so you can see who is viewing...
Dont go!! U r the only dose of laughter I have yet found on the net. Use a statcounter or whatever but dont change your blog address. It'll be like a huge loss to mankind!!:)
Please add me to the list of people who you would email! I love your blog!
oh wait hold on I want to be on that email list as well.
add me to the list CB, thanks
I just went through the exact same thing last month and started talking in code and giving people pet names and changed my author name so no one would figure out it was me. This came from finding out one of my blog buddies had gotten dooced and I freaked a bit.
Ohmigoodness!!!
I just found out my mother reads my blog and has been doing so for months.
Which kinda sucks because there are some pretty unflattering things about her mental state in those archives.
I'm torn between standing by my words and running off into cyberspace
hey CB add me to your email list... thanks :)
Hey CB, catching up on some reading, and can totally relate to this post. First, let me say if you move somewhere anonymously, please email me. Second, you might wanna check into a sitemeter (http://sitemeter.sitetoolbox.com/). It helped me realize that my bf, whom I did not know was reading my blog, was in fact reading it. It doesn't provide exact info, but enough to narrow things down. For ex: we work at the same place, and I know my IP address, and noticed that a different IP at the same business was coming up every day. Who else would be so interested in what I was gonna say next!?! Just a thought...
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