Small Talk
This weekend I will be attending two events with co-workers and clients that I do not particularly know or like. I am dreading this a full five days in advance because a large amount of small talk will be involved.
Not only do I dislike small talk, it actually makes me nervous. I am not the wallflower type but sober conversation for the sake of sober conversation, with people I would never encounter in day-to-day life, confuses me.
And so, being somewhat neurotic, last night I began compiling a conversational cheat sheet of inoffensive topics/questions/stories.
- Weather. Variations on the theme It’s So Hard To Dress For This Time Of Year. Segue into the inaccuracies of the weather channel.
- Cooking. “Do you like to cook?” If yes, prod for recipes, if no, exchange cooking disaster stories.
- Commuting/Air travel. “Did you have trouble getting here?” “When are they going to build the 2nd Ave. subway?” “Air travel is very unreliable.” “Did you have to throw out your mascara?”
- Movies. “You saw _______? I was thinking of seeing it. How was it?” Repeat as necessary.
- Books. “I’m reading _______. It’s really interesting. It’s about ___________.” Repeat as necessary.
- Babies. “Do you have pictures? I love babies. Ohhhhhh…he is adorable.” Maintain rapt attention while listening to the story of Baby’s First Poop and The Other Day Baby Said “Gargle”.
- Shoes. “I love your shoes. Where did you get them?” Segue into my inability to wear heels due to height, segue into my boyfriend being the same height as me, segue into how comfortable flats are. Women only.
- Advice. “What do you know about _____?” Maintain wide-eyed expression while listening to long, garbling, most likely incorrect explanation of basic phenomenon. Men only.
Then when the uncomfortable silence comes, which it always does, I must remember to maintain a pleasant expression and, at the end of the night, express what a wonderful time I have had.
What is scary is that some people really do enjoy these types of things.
29 comments:
CB
Small Talk. Smiley Face Buttons. Prozac. Stress Reduction Seminars. Those stickers that say "Hi ! My Name Is....". These are the tools of The Devil. Vanna White with her vacuous semipermanent Stepford Wife grin is The AntiChrist. It is certainly the End Time. CB save yourself. Don't go. Don't go over to the Light Side.
That's actually helpful. I think I'm printing that list out.
Go a wee bit tipsy anyway. I'm sure everyone else will. No one will even notice.
And how tall are we talking? I don't think you've mentioned it in a post before.
I agree with quevivabarcelona, go a bit tipsy. I hate small talk too. I always found that you can get a good conversation going by talking about something you heard on the radio or TV. Such as, "I was listening to the radio and they were discussing if you should have another shower for your second wedding/baby." It's not really a hot button topic, but it usually leads into other people telling stories about their experiences and can lead into other topics, ie inapporiate gifts.
Not a bad ideas for a skull numbing event!
That is actually a really helpful list. I am also a bit awkward with the small talk.
You can also try reading the news right beforehand. Especially the local news. Then you can bring up all kinds of things that other attendees will not know anything about, but will pretend to. That can be a riot.
Excellent list! How about a couple more for the collection...
Sports - how the boyfriend stares at the box for hours on end while the sports widow contemplates murder. (I got shit for it this weekend)
Celebrities - Which actually could be segued into from any in your original list.
Juat to mess with people even more, use an accent. Then when they ask you where your from, you can make upsome ficticious place. Just don't use any place that people might know the language. Use someplace like Ireland, where they speak English. It's also a safe bet that they don't know Celtic.
I also recommend a small discreet flask full of vodka.
"Nice dress. Did you make it yourself?"
Heh.
People love to talk about themselves. They especially like to do it while a pretty girl smiles warmly at them and responds with cute little quips that make them feel more interesting and attractive.
Not all that difficult. Just don't spend the whole of each event with this sentence repeating over and over in your head: Do not talk about the blog. Do NOT talk about the blog. Do not talk about the blog.
CB . . . . here are a few sites to help you out. . . I don't think vodka will help. . . it could loosen the tongue a bit to much. . . you might slip up about the blog
http://www.ehow.com/how_10812_make-small-talk.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A43632-2004Oct18.html
Ciao
If there is alcohol at these events, then stay close to it so that these sober conversations don't need to be so sober on your part.
Mal, Celtic is a race of people, Gaelic (pronounced Gay-lik in Ireland and Ga-lik in Scotland) is the language, alhough it has differences in each country. Hence, I bet most people really can't speak Celtic.
CB, just smile and nod. The list is good, but chances are everyone feels the same way anyway. And yeah, get a little typsy but not too much. Good Luck!
Obligatory fake convo is a necessary evil in corporate earth. This is why I am now blogging and not socialising. Useful list, however!
When the awkward silence starts, try the old faithful, "I guess we are supposed to mingle at this thing, I'll see you later."
Good luck.
I just came home from another damn business dinner with a bunch of people I barely know & the 4 that I do, I can't stand most of them {sigh}. I had a beer before I went, but it wasn't enough to numb me from the superficially friendly people & the cardboard conversation. I felt my soul slowly slipping away. I'm not sure I want to stay on the fast track.
Get a lobotamy if you must!
I just remembered Mel Gibson and his mouth after drinking too much...Not that you would do that.
Yeah, say you live in the same country as Fez, from That 70's Show.
Gosh, I hope no one has a big mole on their nose, that will be a magnet for your eyes. And they will know it.
Take a hip flask. Not only will the alcohol help you make small talk, but you'll stave off boredom by trying to figure out discrete ways to take a drink.
What is scary is that some people really do enjoy these types of things.
Yeah, and some people like having someone tie them up and beat the shit out of them, just for fun.
I don't understand either type of person.
Best of luck with your list of interrogation questions.
I usually refer to people who can't make small talk as "social retards". I may have to rethink this, as you seem to be okay in other areas of socializing. Just not small talk. Eh, anyways, I would ditch the list if I were you. There's always a talker in every group and you can just sit back and let them come up with the subjects.
Your list is great and take note of Angela's advice on how to move on when that uncomfortable silence arrives. You'll do fine.
Also to help you avoid the unconfortable silence, you can mention the study from some years back, where they concluded that a conversation hits a slump (that is, a silent moment) on average every eight minute.
Also, from that we can conclude, that you only have to spend eight minutes with someone, before having the silent moment to work for you, and you can make an exit, leaving the other party feeling like you were bored with them.
Get them a few drinks. Loosens everybody up.
You said it sister...
Me: After forcing myself to actually arrive at the event I get to the door, take a deep breath, tell myself to suck it up, work up something close to a smile, and put one foot in front of the other - Dead Man Walkin'!
Good list. What I do sometimes to survive these numbing events is set up little challenges for myself throughout. One of my favorites is to zero in on the weak link in the group (who usually reveals themselves by ordering scotch right out of the starting gate), and slowly massaging the convo with them until they reveal something embarrassing or at least quite personal about themselves. You have to use a very light touch with this though, and select your mark carefully, lest you end up with a tearful consultant crying on your shoulder about her dirtbag fiance whom she caught in the shower with his college girlfriend last month. True story...
Do you ever worry that someone you're writing about may read your blog? Well you should because I'm the coworker you don't like and your cover is blown! Just kidding. It's a fear I have when I write my blog. Carry on . . .
CB & Angela, all y'all should publish this baby in teeny paperback form, appropriate for stashing in evening bag or attaching to keychain. You'd make a mint.
I will be saving your list for my next business mixer event.
As a college student, I went to my first one (of many thousands to come) the other day. Wow. I found that just because people are in suits, it doesn't mean they have anything more interesting to say.
My favorite is the deep pause at the end of the conversation, in which I interject:
"GIVE ME YOUR BUSINESS CARD, I'M GRADUATING IN MAY!!!"
It always gets their attention.
All good topics - but leave out "the baby" unless you are in the mood for lengthy stories about not sleeping, scary poop stories and more not sleeping. And the inevitable "and he threw up on me just as I was walking into the church!..."
I have just read your last two posts and I love you. I'm linking to you and keeping you. Thank Mob!
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