Just Fucking Go To the Bathroom
They have replaced Perky with a woman with a strong sense of team spirit. Usually this is limited to such endearing tasks as laughing, joking, and literally hanging out by the water cooler. This is okay. This is fun.
Unfortunately, Team Spirit also has a finely honed sense of co-dependency and likes to do such things as tell people exactly when she is going to the bathroom. As in, “Okay everybody. I’m going to the bathroom. Anyone need anything? Be back in five!”
Presumably, I need to know when TS is in the bathroom so that if I peer in her cube and see My Teammate! She is not there! I do not panic, but rather think to myself While I am upset that a member of My Team is not immediately accessible, I can take comfort in the fact that she is only peeing and will most likely return in five to fifteen minutes.
I refuse, REFUSE, to participate in this new bullshit because:
a) I use the bathroom all the time, sometimes just for a change of scenery so to actually state out loud how many times a day I’m going would be alarming.
b) My company may own many things of "mine", including my weekends, my soul, and my ergonomically correct chair but I refuse to let them even think they own my digestive processes.
c) When I was nine I stopped having to ask to use the bathroom. I will not regress.
However other members of the Team have not been as strong—or perhaps this kind of unity is what they were striving for all along—and now I am bombarded with enthusiastic declarations of urination throughout the day.
Go Team!
18 comments:
The declaration of urinery... er, unity... that's what a team's all about! Wait, five to fifteen minutes? That's some serious bladder control to let all that out in one go...
I'm a student, but I work for the tech outfit on campus and we have an online timesheet type thing. Every time we leave a lab we're supposed to "step out" and give a reason (as in "to the restroom"). This information then gets sent to my male supervisors, so they can make sure I'm not stepping out to the restroom for too long.
Needless to say, I've stopped stepping out.
Ew! Not only does the bathroom announcement sound annoying, but her spreading it is worse. Why is it that you are awesome and refuse to partake, and yet the rest of the office is thinking "What a great plan!"
Send more resumes.
I'd go a lot more passive-aggressive in my approach. I'd develop an 'urgent bladder' problem. I'd cc: the entire department every 15 minutes that I was 'stepping out to pee!' and use all kinds of happy smiley faces to go with it.
Then I'd start in with the 'just popping out to make a copy!' and the 'Wow, the printer is just so far away!!! back in 10!' until the department manager had just finally had enough. Or until everyone on the floor wanted to gouge TS's eyes out with a dull pen-cap.
But that's me. Good luck. If all else fails? Have her knee-capped in the company parking lot.
Jebus. It's a wee bit creepy to feel that your co-workers need to be kept up to date on your number 1 status. What does she do when it's a number 2?
Unfortunately lately it seems everytime I go to the bathroom at work it's in order to get high. And I go frequently. Christ. THAT'S not good...
I can’t believe she says she is going to the bathroom and do you want her to bring something back. Uh, yeah, bring me back a dingle-berry or two, maybe your wet TP. WTF!
Team Spirit is way to enthusiastic. If someone joyously announced she was taking a piss to me every day I would seriously lose my shit.
At least you'll know who to blame if there is pee on the seat in the ladie's washroom.
In my office we have to get the key from the administrative assistant in the front. I always feel as if I have to make chit-chat and explain why I'm leaving when I grab the key. As in "Yup, peeing again. Man I shouldn't have had so much coffee." To which she giggles quasi-interestedly. This especially sucked last week, when I was recovering from a mild UTI and found myself going for the key way more than is normally acceptable. Finally I just did what I should have done months ago. I "lost" the key (meaning, put it in my drawer.) Now i can come and go as I please without the inane chatter.
Can't get enough of the deficiency office-folk tend to have regarding bathroom manners (for the brave: I have a few posts regarding this). The general policy should be don't-ask-don't-tell.
The bathroom is my haven… my blissful hiding place. When I can’t stand to stare at my pc screen in a semi-conscious/quasi-interested way anymore, I like to run wildly to the unisex bathroom (hands in the air, like I just don’t care) and listen to the funny noises people make in there. It’s sick. But entertaining. And it makes for good blogging…
I think every office has one. I know my does, and I can't help but thinking, What makes you think we CARE if you aren't in your cube????
And she's renamed it as well, she goes to "Murphy's", apparently this is something she brought with her from her former office, 8 yrs ago.
Go Team?
I'd hate to hear her cheer about it.
It is cute that she thinks anyone would be agitated like a scared puppy to not be able to locate her for 5 minutes or so...
Gah I hate, hate HATE the restrooms here...I wouldn't go there for a change of scenery if you PAID ME. Wait, they do pay me to go to the bathroom, well not as my job but you know...
i need a drink
You can be sure that when she gets up and doesn't announce her destination, she's going to drop a deuce.
I had a bad experience at work in a bathroom once. I was feeling sick and went to the bathroom in case I got sick. Someone walked in while I'm standing there wondering if just getting it over with would make me feel better. Apparently this person thought he was alone when he let out these ungodly gross noises. I was trying to hold off being sick because I didn't want my puking noises to give away that I was there hearing it. It was very gross and very weird.
Post a Comment