A steam pipe burst in midtown Manhattan yesterday and asbestos was released into the air via mud and debris that erupted out of the ground.

If you live in New York, you obviously already know this. If you are my mother, you not only know this but have called eighteen times to educate me on how to minimize asbestos contact.

Apparently, I am to discard not only of The Dress I was wearing but all other things The Dress may have touched before CAREFULLY showering with both soap AND water. Then I am to throw out/clean everything that came into contact with the pre-clean me.

I have tried explaining that:
a) I generally shower with soap AND water anyway
b) I had no mud or debris on my clothes
c) I never saw said mud or debris
d) I like The Dress
e) Me and The Dress sat on the couch and watched reality television, then sat on the bed for a bit, so really, at this point my entire apartment is contaminated

Faced with this logic, my mother was supposed to give up her Freak Out CB campaign. Instead, my mother decided I should get a new couch, new sheets and a new comforter but benevolently conceded that I may stay in my apartment.

I understand that the whole thing was a little scary. I understand that we were in New York on 9/11 and so we’re all a bit edgy. But, you know, all the points listed above.

I’m keeping my couch. And I’m going out tonight. But because my mother is very good at pushing my buttons, I’m going to stay in Friday night to wash everything in my apartment. And, for at least two weeks, I’ll feel uncomfortable every time I sit on the couch or lie in my bed.

That is compromise.

Update: My mother's nefarious ways have worked. I've become convinced that the comforter on my bed is an asbestos-harboring, cancer-causing evil entity and that by sleeping with it I become contaminated. Then when I get out of bed I re-contaminate the entire apartment.

Not only is this all completely illogical, I smoked two cigarettes last night, so where is this obsession with removing carcinogens from my life coming from? Nonetheless the comforter is going to the dry cleaner tonight. Hopefully then my insanity will calm down.

Mom, I love you, but perhaps you should consider my susceptible nature before the next phone call.