Wednesday

Crazy. In Love.

I have been told that other people do not think about the possibility of their relationship ending every single day. Then again, I have been told I seem like a really chill girlfriend, so who the hell knows what to believe.

In any case, a fact would be that at least three times a week, I think that Re-Boyfriend and I are going to break up.

Example:

Today one of those crap morning shows discussed the “science of love” and declared “But couples can still say they’re in love with each other years later even though their initial feelings may change from the scientific definition of love.” Re-Boyfriend called from the bedroom, “Like us!” Then he laughed while I stood in the kitchen CERTAIN OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER.

Naturally, I then didn’t want to have sex with him. DOOM.

Then, when we walked to the subway, Re-Boyfriend was quiet, probably because he was thinking about how he didn't love me anymore. MORE DOOM.

I then spent the entire subway ride to work telling myself that single life can be fun, and though there would be the minor problem of living together to sort out, in general breaking up with Re-Boyfriend really wouldn’t be that bad.

Then I realized I was insane. This is a realization I have come to before, most notably when I got annoyed with Re-Boyfriend for telling me I was beautiful because what if he couldn't love me once I was old?

It's really exhausting to love Re-Boyfriend and be happy while at the same time trying to convince myself it would be totally fine if he were gone.

24 comments:

Sasha said...

You crack me up! Thanks!

Side note: Are you sure you're not living in my head?

gina said...

Jesus, what time do you get up in the morning?

DevilsHeaven said...

Oh yeah. All about the DOOM. And I'm engaged.

Anonymous said...

Oh no! I thought the DOOM ended when you got engaged. I can't live my life like this...

CB, you are so not alone. People that say they don't feel insecure about their relationship are liars.

wiser said...

I think the DOOM just means you really love him.

But you already knew that :)

each of the two said...

I honestly sent this link to my BF, so he would be a bit more understanding of my emotional insanity.



seriously.

Anonymous said...

CB, you're not insane...maybe neurotic which is way more endearing and acceptable.

I too had those same feelings when I WAS married.

Sharon/Toronto

beth said...

i also sent this to my boyfriend, so he knows i'm not the only crazy conflicted pessimist

justjenny said...

Thanks for writing this - I usually think I'm the only one that thinks that, too.

This post should be required reading for all women.

t.Sherpa said...

It's like even when you're not alone, you're alone.

beth said...

thank you, THANK YOU

Dawn Coyote said...

So my new boyfriend has a 13 year-old daughter. She's adorable. Cute as a button and already a C-cup, lard help us.

OF COURSE she worries that no boy will ever really love her. I know that she will graduate — as you and I both did — to worrying about losing the boy the loves her.

I just wish I could find a way to communicate to her that getting and keeping that boy's love 1) isn't all that difficult, and 2) might not be all she hoped for, a decade into the relationship.

But, oh my, when I was your age and her age, it seemed like the most important thing in my life.

I think it's really me I'd like to go back and have that talk with. What would I say? It all turns out to be the biggest hoax. Men need us more than we need them.

How is it that we learn to crave and fear love this way? That's what I want to know. And why do the guys get to be so casual about it?

Answer these questions for me, CB, and I will love you forever.

The Late Bloomer said...

Ah, wondering if you'll break up... Neuroses. Ah, do I feel it. Neverending... A little spat immediately makes me think that our relationship is falling apart. It's ridiculous, yet it's me. He might be angry with me for a day, and I'm convinced he doesn't love me anymore.

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head... We know we love each other, but we still can't help but wonder if we deserve that love.

anna said...

never in my life has someone so perfectly stated what was in my head without even knowing me. i thought i was the only one that lived every day like we were not going to be together the next. thank you.

PretaMulatta said...

would u like the number 2 my therapist? well, she's totally booked til SEPTEMBER because everyone in FUCKING NEW YORK is in therapy & i can totally relate 2 what u're saying. but hey, she might b able 2 help.

stop watching morning news & listen 2 some music or something in the meantime...

SoberCityGirl said...

I very much lobe my bf but I constantly think he is going to break up with me.

blueblanket said...

Boy I know that feeling!

Anonymous said...

Spot on, as always CB. Loves it!

Anonymous said...

"...when I got annoyed with Re-Boyfriend for telling me I was beautiful because what if he couldn't love me once I was old?"

WOW, I am glad other people think this too!!

aprilbapryll said...

I guess all women are this way. I know I do it on a regular basis, and I'm married and now pregnant! Something silly happens I have the whole fight down in my head. And then, if he doesn't say anything for awhile because he just doesn't have anything to say, I'm certain that he's pissed as hell at me and is refusing to talk to me. Mind you, he's never given me the silent treatment in our entire relationship, but the amount of times it's happened in my head ... well, we can be surprised that we ever got married. :)

However, just so you know, it may never go away but guys are usually prepared for a little bit of crazy. As long as their getting the nooky (and sometimes just with the promise of future nooky), they can put up with an awful lot.

Cecile Weekly said...

I agree with aprilbapryll. Somehow guys can cope with a lot of female weirdness. I always think we're going to break up if we get into a fight. And I assure myself almost every day that I would be able to cope, would we ever really split up. Why? I don't know... Defence mechanism?

geenie said...

it would be better feeling that before you married. seriously.
geenie B. from Korea.

Paul said...

Hey looks like I'm the first guy to comment. You all have to realize that a little fight isn't going to break a relationship to bits! A little anger and conflict is normal in a relationship, and working through that together will only strengthen what you have. The secret to any relationship is to promise each other that if you ever have a problem between you, no matter how small, you both will sit down and talk it out until it is solved. It's that simple. Ok all best. Keep it up CB. :)

Nikki said...

WOW! How moving, your entry inspired me.

Definitely agreed with the convincing of the self method.