Thursday

Signed, Troubled with Tampons

This morning I discovered that I had gotten my period. I asked one of my more sympathetic female co-workers if she had a tampon—she did! And it was a tiny little thing I was easily able to slip into my pocket-score! (I have no idea why it always seems so embarrassing to be holding a tampon—I have my period approximately 25% of the time. But it is.) Then I made it to the bathroom without receiving any strange glances from colleagues wondering who the half-running girl was. Safe!

Or so I assumed.

As I discovered in the single stall bathroom on the 7th floor, they are now making tampons that I have no idea how to use. I was sincerely at a loss as to how to remove the actual tampon from the cute, green, tiny applicator. And so, after several minutes of fumbling (the details of which I will spare you) I had to return to my desk, defeated.

Obviously I cannot now ask my co-worker for another tampon (though I briefly considered telling her I dropped the original in the toilet) or ask anyone in earshot of her desk. So I am sitting here, writing this, and plotting an under the radar escape to CVS.

Fucking newfangled tampons.

22 comments:

PretaMulatta said...

wait. what? a tampon with an applicator? a green applicator? i dont recognise this kind either...

but then again, ob is the one 4 me.

i cant imagine applicators being THAT difficult, though, CB. did u have your coffee before you attempted? ;o)

Anonymous said...

Oh my God. This has happened to me. Which means I know exactly what went on in those moments you self-edited :)

Anonymous said...

find the office virgin and ask for a pad.

DevilsHeaven said...

Seriously, am I the only woman who keeps extras in her purse, JIC?!?! My BF thinks I'm crazy even though I gave him the simple and true explanation, "You never know when someone might need one. It's good karma, trust me."

verybadcat said...

Tampax, baby. I'm a stockpiler, too. I have tampax in my car, in my desk, even hidden in the handicapped stall in the office bathroom.

WH had a friend in his truck and asked the guy to open the glove compartment and hand him a napkin.... guess what fell into the floorboard... that's right... tampax.

Awhile back I had a similar problem. I was way desperate and ended up just discarding the weirdo applicator all together and going old school with it. Which is when I became a stockpiler. ;-)

Airam said...

This is why I never ask to borrow a tampon. I think I may know of the one you're talking about. You need to pull the thing that pushes the tampon into your va-jay-jay out and then push it back in so that the actual tampon slides into your jeyena.

Good luck.

Princess of the Universe said...

I'm fortunate to have a female boss. I started a freakin' week early once and told her in a panic that I was taking an extremely early lunch (read 10:00 AM) and had to run home to deal with it.

KRRS said...

HA! I've bought those on accident before. I finally figured out how to use it, luckily in the comfort of my own home. I was more annoyed when I realized I'd grabbed "ultra absorbent" rather than "regular."

And this struck me as funny: "va-jay-jay"? Seriously, if you're going to give step by step instructions you may as well just say "vagina."

Ms. Blaize said...

LOL! I've been a lurker for a minute but I definitely had to comment on this!
I've had the happen to me before but it was even more ridiculous because we're supposed to feel safe and secure with the idea that there's a tampon/pad dispenser in our bathroom at work. But guess what? But it takes an emergency to find out that the dayum thing will NOT drop tampons or pads because the idiots who are suppose to fill them are men and of course, they don't think it's important enough to check PERIODically! So there I go borrowing and of course I get some contraption of a tampon! *sigh!* That's when I decided to go to Target and get one of those slim cloth tampon holders to put in my pocketbook so I'd always have them for such emergencies. It holds 3 tampons and a few pantiliners and it's been a God sent! Also, if you can't find those holders, you can always just get a small makeup case with a zipper on it and it will work just as well!

Let us know if you ever find out what brand that tampon was and how to use it. I'd follow the advice above but the whole va-jay-jay and jeyena thing threw me waaay off too! LOL!!! Take care!

ACG said...

sounds like she gave you a Tampx Compact (my personal brand of choice).

Simply pull the bottom part of the applicator out till it "clicks" (you feel it won't hear it). TA DA! You now have a full size applicator/tampon ready to go.

Anonymous said...

I keep tampons in every bag that I own. My husband didn't believe me... until we were cleaning our closet and EVERY bag I owned had a stash of several absorbancies in it. It was a little embarrassing!

MisstressM said...

Those things almost need an instruction manual the size of my head. I hate them. But I also hate pads as well.

Airam said...

Vagina ... va-jay-jay ... who gives a shit really?

Catherinette Singleton said...

Some of the stuff they're making now requires that the user have a graduate degree in engineering to figure out.

the frog princess said...

I am suddenly reminded of the day in high school when I realized it was a GOOD thing that my mother was a substitute teacher... because I could totally run to her in a panic for tampons. (and tylenol, and lunch money...)

I agree with the hoarders, keep a stash EVERYWHERE! Even if it means the occassional moment of embarrasment when you go to pull out your keys and a tampon goes flipping across the sidewalk... beats the hell out of the embarrasment of an "accident"!

Bittersweet Confusion said...

I'm an OB person myself... The Boyfriend calls them my bullets because they are shot through a tunnel and there's blood involved... Yes it's gross but that was actually how he reasoned out the names...

I could never deal with applicators, all you really need is the cotton part, no thinking involved.

spudistractionky said...

Personally, I can't deal with certain tampon brands, namely *cough*Tampax*cough*. I wrote them a letter letting them know how much I hated how their tampons were bigger than some of the penises I've encountered. I haven't heard back yet though. Curious...

Anonymous said...

the "new" tampax are terrible-stay away if you are a loyal user-you will hate them. they have this new grip, that quite honestly is a pain to insert. they also have this "skirt" that is supposed to prevent leaks....and well let's just say it doesn't....it is downright uncomfortable & feels like it is falling out.

i've been using tampax for 15 years an yesterday i felt like i was 13 again with all the issues i had....on top of it all the tampon now expands width-wise-again not very comfortable......

i do not know why they took a great product & destroyed it but i hope that p&g pays for this one....i am soooo angry & upset that they would mess around with this product.

in the meantime, if you are looking for a substitute-try the cvs brand....

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Pennerad said...

AW DUDE, I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO USE THE OLD TAMPONS. Srsly, I'm 22 and can't use a tampon. FML. lol.

Anonymous said...

yeah, I had a horrible experience with a tampon in junior high. It fell out of my vagina in class while i was making a presentation and it just sat there all bloody and nasty in my underpants until I finished my speech (had to make a good grade). I'm 21 I've just stared using them! hahahaha! I still hate them but when you finally get them in right they are much better.

No Te Enredes said...

You may feel nervous about using a tampon for the first time. It is normal to feel nervous, especially if you have any unanswered questions but Tampons are really great and very useful for girls.
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