So fat!

It’s not that I don’t like to laugh at fat people. In fact, if someone said something funny about someone else being fat, I would probably laugh. But the fact of being fat alone isn’t funny. I don’t walk down the street, noticing all the chubby people and chuckling to myself. Aside from being mean, it would make no sense.

But I must be missing something because this morning my entire department is in hysterics over one person’s detailed story about seeing a fat person. “I saw a really fat person today. No, seriously, let me tell you how fat they were.”

At first I played along, but then I had to leave the area. It’s actually really difficult to fake-laugh for long periods of time.

It is disheartening when you finally show up to an interview and are politely informed by the receptionist that the interviewer has been taken to the hospital for undisclosed reasons.

A Conversation With My Mother

CB: I’m just confused. I keep sending out my resume and getting all these interviews but then I realize I don’t really want the jobs I’m applying for. They’re just higher-paying, more boring versions of the one I have now. So then I cancel the interviews and feel bad about myself. And then I think about how I don’t even know what kind of job I actually want and I feel worse. And then I think about how I don’t know what I'm doing with my life and then I just get really upset.

CB’s Mom: Oh sweetie....Don’t worry! You’re going to do great things.

CB (hopefully): Yeah?

CB’s Mom: Sure...you’re going to have lots of little bambinos...and take care of them…and watch them grow up...

CB is silent.

CB’s Mom: Right?

CB: I can’t talk to you about this anymore.

Bambinos?

Besides the totally depressing, non-sequitur nature of my mother's comment, I am:

1. Not engaged
2. Not married
3. Not Italian

The whole scenario reminded me of when I drove back from college with my father, who, sensing the opportunity afforded by having his young daughter trapped for a few hours, began to question me about what I intended to do with my very expensive liberal arts degree.

When I began to look really, really sad, my father swiftly changed tactics and began to enumerate the various career paths I had open for me.

“You can be anything! You could be a teacher...or even a banker...or...um...”

And then I started bawling.

Careerbuilder has a cute little article about things that can wreck your career. Let’s examine some of their no-no's while I am sitting here, bored, instead of Advancing Myself:

Not Being a Team Player
No one feels comfortable around a prima donna. Show you're a team player by making your boss look like a star and demonstrating that you've got the greater good of the organization at heart.

This only works with female bosses. Helping my boss look like a star makes him resent me because then he realizes that I know he’s an idiot. What actually seems to soften my boss: Failing in a cute and non-serious way. In my experience, all men bosses love to occasionally comfort their underlings.

Missing Deadlines
If the deadline is Wednesday, first thing Thursday won't cut it. When making commitments, it's best to under-promise and over-deliver. Then, pull an all-nighter if you have to. It's that important.

Unless you are making six figures and/or in charge of something huge, I really believe you shouldn't pull an all-nighter, ever. It will make you look ridiculous and your co-workers will mock you for being uptight and taking yourself, along with your job, too seriously.

Conducting Personal Business on Company Time
The company e-mail and phone systems are for company business. Keep personal phone calls brief and few -- and never take a call that will require a box of tissues to get through. Also, never type anything in an e-mail that you don't want read by your boss; many systems save deleted messages to a master file.

Personally, I like to write e-mails detailing how I am going to quit and/or the many ways in which my co-workers are pissing me off. Then when my boss raises an eyebrow at me, I try to figure out if it’s a meaningless twitch or if he is trying to communicate that he knows. This adds some interest to my day.

Isolating Yourself
Don't isolate yourself. Those who network effectively have an inside track on resources and information and can more quickly cut through organizational politics. Research shows effective networkers tend to serve on more successful teams, get better performance reviews, receive more promotions and be more highly compensated.

When I was sixteen and upset with the world, everyone told me that things got better. Apparently, they were lying. Offices are exactly like high schools but with longer hours and less cute boys to stare at.

Having No Goals
Failure doesn't lie in not reaching your goal, but in not having a goal to reach. Set objectives and plan your daily activities around achieving them. Manage your priorities and focus on those tasks that support your goals.

I refuse. This just sounds like a way to do the tasks you are assigned while convincing yourself it was all your idea. I’m not doing this report because John asked me to, I’m doing it because it is an objective.

Neglecting Your Image
Fair or not, appearance counts. So don't come to work poorly groomed or in inappropriate attire. Be honest, use proper grammar and avoid slang and expletives. You want to project an image of competence, character and commitment.

I can’t even conceive of an office where this would hold true. I find that the more I use the word “fuck” the more friends and allies I get. Also, today I am showing (push-up bra created) cleavage and everyone is being really nice.

MSN's career advice writers would probably fire me this instant.

I Am Still Having Issues With Brooklyn

As soon as I saw one of my Team Manhattan friends crossing Fifth avenue in a little sundress and a Louis Vuitton bag, I knew things would go poorly.

“It took me fucking forever to get here. The 4/5 trains weren’t running.”

"Awww, I'm sorry." And really, I could empathize. The first time I went to a friend's apartment in Brooklyn, I was told to take the M train, then transfer across the platform and take the subway three more stops. I wound up taking the M train for half an hour, then "transferring across the platform" to the M train going back to Manhattan. That was fun.

"It's so ridiculous trying to get to Brooklyn on the weekend. I honestly think I was in a tunnel of the subway that hadn't been used since the seventies--wait you live on the fourth floor?" My friend balked at the entrance way to my building, looking at the stairs as though she was unsure of what they were.

"Yeah, come on."

Three flights of stairs later, we had arrived.

“Wow, your apartment is so…nice,” Team Manhattan said suspiciously, seemingly alarmed that such a normal looking place could exist in a walk-up.

“Thanks.”

“So," she said, plopping down on my couch exhausted from all the stairs, "Are you ever going to come to the city now that you live here?”

It was time to take control of the situation.

“First of all, Brooklyn is ‘the city’ too. Second of all, I still work in Manhattan.” I rolled my eyes to let her know these things should have been very obvious.

She seemed unimpressed.

“Plus, you know it takes me less time to get to work from here than from my old apartment,” I added defensively.

“I meant more like, aren’t you going to need a car now that you live in Brooklyn?”

“Are you serious?”

"Isn't everything really far?"

It just went downhill from there.

Poll

What do you do when you jam the copy machine?

I used to try to fix it, but now that I know I never can, I walk away immediately before someone sees me. If someone catches me while I'm walking away I'll inform them that "someone" has broken the copy machine. Then I'll sigh and look pouty and pissed off, conveying the notion that this "someone" has alot of nerve.

As you may or may not have noticed, lately I’ve found it difficult to post on this blog.

Other things I have found difficult:

1. Getting out of bed
2. Eating vegetables
3. Buying clothes/looking at clothes/wearing clothes
4. Meeting friends for such daunting things as “drinks” and “dinner” in Manhattan

Things I have found easy:

1. Lying in bed
2. Eating ice cream
3. Wearing underwear and a t-shirt for 24 hours straight
4. Wandering aimlessly about my new neighborhood in Brooklyn with Re-Boyfriend in tow

My uncharacteristic lethargy (read: perfectly characteristic lethargy that has been alarmingly magnified) could just be due to my incredibly stressful month at work during which I ALSO HAD TO MOVE.

(The move honestly wasn’t that stressful but I like using it as an excuse for things. People are so sympathetic!)

Or the reason for my behavior could be something far more sinister, such as living in Park Slope, a place where you regularly see men wearing Nirvana t-shirts while pushing strollers and shopping organic. Everyone is just so damn relaxed and hippified.

Either way, I am really really trying to snap out of it. I’m forcing myself to go to a far too expensive sushi restaurant in Manhattan tonight with a friend that regularly sends me messages from her Blackberry about which size Louis Vuitton bag would suit her best.

I think that’s a pretty good Brooklyn antidote.